139 lines
6.5 KiB
Markdown
139 lines
6.5 KiB
Markdown
---
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id: JRNL-20251015-204549
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title: Wednesday, October 15, 2025 - 08:45 PM
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type: journal
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created: 2025-10-16T00:45:49Z
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modified: 2025-10-16T00:45:49Z
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tags: [journal]
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---
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# Wednesday, October 15, 2025 - 08:45 PM
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Today is a new journal day, and I have some updates! The
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principal topic of this entry is going to be about Matilda,
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and a little bit about Sam. Nothing new is really happening
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at work recently, other than I've gone to the gym the past
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couple of days and that's been fun! I'm quite proud of that.
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So here's the deal about Matilda: I need to chill the fuck
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out. I'm having conversations back and forth about breaking
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up with this chick when *I don't really know her*. I have
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known her for *one* month, and we have been dating for
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*four* days. How can I possibly really know her?
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We went on another two dates. The first one was a bike ride
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on Tuesday afternoon, where we rode about 8 miles and
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stopped for burgers and beers in the middle. I felt like
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things were kind of awkward. We talked about random stuff,
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and things were kind of goofy. I think it was somewhat
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mutual, but I dunno I feel like maybe I was in a weird
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headspace. We chatted about my car some, and I did get a
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little bit of a weird reaction when I was like "yeah
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completion is probably 5-10 years away". I think that
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stunned her a little bit. We wrapped up and things were
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okay! A different kind of date than we're used to but it was
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a nice ride nonetheless. I think it kinda just goes to show
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maybe it's something we don't really share well as a couple.
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I like to go fast and I don't think she can keep up :eyes:.
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After that date though, I've been in some more turmoil about
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what I should do about the relationship. Should I break up
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with her? Are there dealbreakers I can't handle? Why did I
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move so fast? Why do I escalate based on emotions? And
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generally I've been getting a pit in my stomach sometimes
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when she says something like "you make me feel special". I
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thought this was a gut instinct telling me that I don't want
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her to feel that way or that I'm not ready for that
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commitment but this most recent date has significantly
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changed my perspective.
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Today I was planning on seeing her to break up with her. I
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had some sandpaper I was going to give her for these glasses
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she's making out of wine bottles, and then go on a walk with
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her. I had planned it out, I had rehearsed it with Claude
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(shoutout Claude btw), and felt pretty prepared for what was
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going to go down. But when I saw her, and we started
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walking, my gut feeling was very different. She was holding
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my hand, and we were just chatting and bs'ing about our days
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when I realized that I really don't know her, I really don't
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know that this couldn't work, and it's really not so serious
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as it feels in my head some times.
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I took a step back on my thoughts of her falling for me and
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really dug into why I feel that way. I think I'm getting
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ahead of myself saying that, because we're still learning
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about each other and I think she's totally taking things
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more slowly and casually than I am. No one is seeing wedding
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bells right now, instead it's really more like we're getting
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to know one another with some exclusivity attached. It isn't
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so high stakes. Why did I get so anxious about this? Why did
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I catastrophize things with problems that don't really exist
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yet?
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I keep getting tied up on the idea that I need a partner
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with whom I can tinker with. Why? I have friends that I do
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that with, and honestly, like working alone a lot of the
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time. Do I need that in a partner? Maybe, but also maybe
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not? Why don't I use this relationship to really actually
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find that out? Also, she might actually be interested in
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some of that stuff? Who knows? The answer is, not me.
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Here's what I do know: when we went on that walk, when we
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sat down and talked about our days, when we talked about
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random stuff (like data privacy laws, government debt, and
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voluntary euthanasia????? Sidebar, that was crazy) I felt
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*so* relaxed. It was easy to just chill with her and enjoy
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the sunset.
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So I've been on this thing where the emotions attached to
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her have been sinusoidal. I've gotta be honest, I think
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that's my fault, and does not help my clarity in making a
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decision in what I actually need in a partner. But, Matilda
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is *not* a partner yet. We're right at the beginning of a
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relationship, where *both* of us are figuring out if this is
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right or not. And that does *not* happen in 4 days. The
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things that I've been catastrophizing about are stressing me
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out for no reason, and are not real problems yet. It is my
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goal for this next week, to just calm down, and try to
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journal and relax before making decisions. Ideally, don't
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make *any* decisions this next week. What I feel like I
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really need is some stability. No escalations, but also I
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don't need to break up with her for no good reason either. I
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can try and figure my shit out at the same time, knowing
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that things aren't super serious right now. I don't need to
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put some much pressure on myself.
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Matilda is really nice to me, makes me feel calm when I'm
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with her, and really stimulates me intellectually just
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chatting about random stuff. Why I get so anxious when I'm
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not around her is my problem to figure out, and not a reason
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to drive decisions. For now, I'm going to keep getting to
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know her and try to relax a little. No one is getting
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married or having kids next month. To quote what
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best-buddy-in-chief Sam said "You know, you're allowed to be
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happy." He's right, and I don't need to create new problems.
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Then, there is recent details about Samuel! Sam is
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struggling some. We went golfing on Monday morning, which
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was a blast. I need to make it a priority to show up earlier
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than tee times though, as I got there basically 4 minutes
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before tee off. Anyways, Sam feels listless. He doesn't love
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his company, and Blake has been stressing him out some with
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her not really advancing her accounting certifications right
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now. I understand. I told him he should set some concrete
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goals. If he wants to leave his company, he should set a
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target date and write it down (sort of like I'm doing here).
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Maybe he should set some goals on his hobbies. The point
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was, make it measurable! I think that will help him a lot.
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Poker is probably falling through this Friday, with people
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being busy. Maybe I'll try to hangout with Sam anyways.
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Matilda has her aunt coming into town this weekend, so the
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next time we're going to see each other is Sunday. No more
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escalating for now, no more "should I blow it all up????"
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for a bit, instead, let me just enjoy getting to know this
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new person without putting the Atlas-like pressure on it.
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That can be enough.
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