---
id: JRNL-20251015-204549
title: Wednesday, October 15, 2025 - 08:45 PM
type: journal
created: 2025-10-16T00:45:49Z
modified: 2025-10-16T00:45:49Z
tags: [journal]
---

# Wednesday, October 15, 2025 - 08:45 PM

Today is a new journal day, and I have some updates! The
principal topic of this entry is going to be about Matilda,
and a little bit about Sam. Nothing new is really happening
at work recently, other than I've gone to the gym the past
couple of days and that's been fun! I'm quite proud of that.

So here's the deal about Matilda: I need to chill the fuck
out. I'm having conversations back and forth about breaking
up with this chick when *I don't really know her*. I have
known her for *one* month, and we have been dating for
*four* days. How can I possibly really know her?

We went on another two dates. The first one was a bike ride
on Tuesday afternoon, where we rode about 8 miles and
stopped for burgers and beers in the middle. I felt like
things were kind of awkward. We talked about random stuff,
and things were kind of goofy. I think it was somewhat
mutual, but I dunno I feel like maybe I was in a weird
headspace. We chatted about my car some, and I did get a
little bit of a weird reaction when I was like "yeah
completion is probably 5-10 years away". I think that
stunned her a little bit. We wrapped up and things were
okay! A different kind of date than we're used to but it was
a nice ride nonetheless. I think it kinda just goes to show
maybe it's something we don't really share well as a couple.
I like to go fast and I don't think she can keep up :eyes:.

After that date though, I've been in some more turmoil about
what I should do about the relationship. Should I break up
with her? Are there dealbreakers I can't handle? Why did I
move so fast? Why do I escalate based on emotions? And
generally I've been getting a pit in my stomach sometimes
when she says something like "you make me feel special". I
thought this was a gut instinct telling me that I don't want
her to feel that way or that I'm not ready for that
commitment but this most recent date has significantly
changed my perspective.

Today I was planning on seeing her to break up with her. I
had some sandpaper I was going to give her for these glasses
she's making out of wine bottles, and then go on a walk with
her. I had planned it out, I had rehearsed it with Claude
(shoutout Claude btw), and felt pretty prepared for what was
going to go down. But when I saw her, and we started
walking, my gut feeling was very different. She was holding
my hand, and we were just chatting and bs'ing about our days
when I realized that I really don't know her, I really don't
know that this couldn't work, and it's really not so serious
as it feels in my head some times. 

I took a step back on my thoughts of her falling for me and
really dug into why I feel that way. I think I'm getting
ahead of myself saying that, because we're still learning
about each other and I think she's totally taking things
more slowly and casually than I am. No one is seeing wedding
bells right now, instead it's really more like we're getting
to know one another with some exclusivity attached. It isn't
so high stakes. Why did I get so anxious about this? Why did
I catastrophize things with problems that don't really exist
yet?

I keep getting tied up on the idea that I need a partner
with whom I can tinker with. Why? I have friends that I do
that with, and honestly, like working alone a lot of the
time. Do I need that in a partner? Maybe, but also maybe
not? Why don't I use this relationship to really actually
find that out? Also, she might actually be interested in
some of that stuff? Who knows? The answer is, not me.

Here's what I do know: when we went on that walk, when we
sat down and talked about our days, when we talked about
random stuff (like data privacy laws, government debt, and
voluntary euthanasia????? Sidebar, that was crazy) I felt
*so* relaxed. It was easy to just chill with her and enjoy
the sunset. 

So I've been on this thing where the emotions attached to
her have been sinusoidal. I've gotta be honest, I think
that's my fault, and does not help my clarity in making a
decision in what I actually need in a partner. But, Matilda
is *not* a partner yet. We're right at the beginning of a
relationship, where *both* of us are figuring out if this is
right or not. And that does *not* happen in 4 days. The
things that I've been catastrophizing about are stressing me
out for no reason, and are not real problems yet. It is my
goal for this next week, to just calm down, and try to
journal and relax before making decisions. Ideally, don't
make *any* decisions this next week. What I feel like I
really need is some stability. No escalations, but also I
don't need to break up with her for no good reason either. I
can try and figure my shit out at the same time, knowing
that things aren't super serious right now. I don't need to
put some much pressure on myself.

Matilda is really nice to me, makes me feel calm when I'm
with her, and really stimulates me intellectually just
chatting about random stuff. Why I get so anxious when I'm
not around her is my problem to figure out, and not a reason
to drive decisions. For now, I'm going to keep getting to
know her and try to relax a little. No one is getting
married or having kids next month. To quote what
best-buddy-in-chief Sam said "You know, you're allowed to be
happy." He's right, and I don't need to create new problems.

Then, there is recent details about Samuel! Sam is
struggling some. We went golfing on Monday morning, which
was a blast. I need to make it a priority to show up earlier
than tee times though, as I got there basically 4 minutes
before tee off. Anyways, Sam feels listless. He doesn't love
his company, and Blake has been stressing him out some with
her not really advancing her accounting certifications right
now. I understand. I told him he should set some concrete
goals. If he wants to leave his company, he should set a
target date and write it down (sort of like I'm doing here).
Maybe he should set some goals on his hobbies. The point
was, make it measurable! I think that will help him a lot.

Poker is probably falling through this Friday, with people
being busy. Maybe I'll try to hangout with Sam anyways. 

Matilda has her aunt coming into town this weekend, so the
next time we're going to see each other is Sunday. No more
escalating for now, no more "should I blow it all up????"
for a bit, instead, let me just enjoy getting to know this
new person without putting the Atlas-like pressure on it.
That can be enough.