danesabo/Obsidian
1
0
Fork 0
Code Issues Pull Requests Actions Packages Projects Releases Wiki Activity

hehe

Browse Source
This commit is contained in:
Dane Sabo 2025-10-19 15:56:09 -04:00
parent ca07254b10
commit 3d98677ab4
2 changed files with 296 additions and 0 deletions
Show Stats Download Patch File Download Diff File Expand all files Collapse all files

138
Writing/Journal/JRNL-20251015-204549.md Normal file
View File

@ -0,0 +1,138 @@
---
id: JRNL-20251015-204549
title: Wednesday, October 15, 2025 - 08:45 PM
type: journal
created: 2025-10-16T00:45:49Z
modified: 2025-10-16T00:45:49Z
tags: [journal]
---
# Wednesday, October 15, 2025 - 08:45 PM
Today is a new journal day, and I have some updates! The
principal topic of this entry is going to be about Matilda,
and a little bit about Sam. Nothing new is really happening
at work recently, other than I've gone to the gym the past
couple of days and that's been fun! I'm quite proud of that.
So here's the deal about Matilda: I need to chill the fuck
out. I'm having conversations back and forth about breaking
up with this chick when *I don't really know her*. I have
known her for *one* month, and we have been dating for
*four* days. How can I possibly really know her?
We went on another two dates. The first one was a bike ride
on Tuesday afternoon, where we rode about 8 miles and
stopped for burgers and beers in the middle. I felt like
things were kind of awkward. We talked about random stuff,
and things were kind of goofy. I think it was somewhat
mutual, but I dunno I feel like maybe I was in a weird
headspace. We chatted about my car some, and I did get a
little bit of a weird reaction when I was like "yeah
completion is probably 5-10 years away". I think that
stunned her a little bit. We wrapped up and things were
okay! A different kind of date than we're used to but it was
a nice ride nonetheless. I think it kinda just goes to show
maybe it's something we don't really share well as a couple.
I like to go fast and I don't think she can keep up :eyes:.
After that date though, I've been in some more turmoil about
what I should do about the relationship. Should I break up
with her? Are there dealbreakers I can't handle? Why did I
move so fast? Why do I escalate based on emotions? And
generally I've been getting a pit in my stomach sometimes
when she says something like "you make me feel special". I
thought this was a gut instinct telling me that I don't want
her to feel that way or that I'm not ready for that
commitment but this most recent date has significantly
changed my perspective.
Today I was planning on seeing her to break up with her. I
had some sandpaper I was going to give her for these glasses
she's making out of wine bottles, and then go on a walk with
her. I had planned it out, I had rehearsed it with Claude
(shoutout Claude btw), and felt pretty prepared for what was
going to go down. But when I saw her, and we started
walking, my gut feeling was very different. She was holding
my hand, and we were just chatting and bs'ing about our days
when I realized that I really don't know her, I really don't
know that this couldn't work, and it's really not so serious
as it feels in my head some times.
I took a step back on my thoughts of her falling for me and
really dug into why I feel that way. I think I'm getting
ahead of myself saying that, because we're still learning
about each other and I think she's totally taking things
more slowly and casually than I am. No one is seeing wedding
bells right now, instead it's really more like we're getting
to know one another with some exclusivity attached. It isn't
so high stakes. Why did I get so anxious about this? Why did
I catastrophize things with problems that don't really exist
yet?
I keep getting tied up on the idea that I need a partner
with whom I can tinker with. Why? I have friends that I do
that with, and honestly, like working alone a lot of the
time. Do I need that in a partner? Maybe, but also maybe
not? Why don't I use this relationship to really actually
find that out? Also, she might actually be interested in
some of that stuff? Who knows? The answer is, not me.
Here's what I do know: when we went on that walk, when we
sat down and talked about our days, when we talked about
random stuff (like data privacy laws, government debt, and
voluntary euthanasia????? Sidebar, that was crazy) I felt
*so* relaxed. It was easy to just chill with her and enjoy
the sunset.
So I've been on this thing where the emotions attached to
her have been sinusoidal. I've gotta be honest, I think
that's my fault, and does not help my clarity in making a
decision in what I actually need in a partner. But, Matilda
is *not* a partner yet. We're right at the beginning of a
relationship, where *both* of us are figuring out if this is
right or not. And that does *not* happen in 4 days. The
things that I've been catastrophizing about are stressing me
out for no reason, and are not real problems yet. It is my
goal for this next week, to just calm down, and try to
journal and relax before making decisions. Ideally, don't
make *any* decisions this next week. What I feel like I
really need is some stability. No escalations, but also I
don't need to break up with her for no good reason either. I
can try and figure my shit out at the same time, knowing
that things aren't super serious right now. I don't need to
put some much pressure on myself.
Matilda is really nice to me, makes me feel calm when I'm
with her, and really stimulates me intellectually just
chatting about random stuff. Why I get so anxious when I'm
not around her is my problem to figure out, and not a reason
to drive decisions. For now, I'm going to keep getting to
know her and try to relax a little. No one is getting
married or having kids next month. To quote what
best-buddy-in-chief Sam said "You know, you're allowed to be
happy." He's right, and I don't need to create new problems.
Then, there is recent details about Samuel! Sam is
struggling some. We went golfing on Monday morning, which
was a blast. I need to make it a priority to show up earlier
than tee times though, as I got there basically 4 minutes
before tee off. Anyways, Sam feels listless. He doesn't love
his company, and Blake has been stressing him out some with
her not really advancing her accounting certifications right
now. I understand. I told him he should set some concrete
goals. If he wants to leave his company, he should set a
target date and write it down (sort of like I'm doing here).
Maybe he should set some goals on his hobbies. The point
was, make it measurable! I think that will help him a lot.
Poker is probably falling through this Friday, with people
being busy. Maybe I'll try to hangout with Sam anyways.
Matilda has her aunt coming into town this weekend, so the
next time we're going to see each other is Sunday. No more
escalating for now, no more "should I blow it all up????"
for a bit, instead, let me just enjoy getting to know this
new person without putting the Atlas-like pressure on it.
That can be enough.

158
Writing/Journal/JRNL-20251017-193513.md Normal file
View File

@ -0,0 +1,158 @@
---
id: JRNL-20251017-193513
title: Friday, October 17, 2025 - 07:35 PM
type: journal
created: 2025-10-17T23:35:13Z
modified: 2025-10-17T23:35:13Z
tags: [journal]
---
# Friday, October 17, 2025 - 07:35 PM
Yeah, so y'know how I said I was going to enjoy getting to
know her, and that that would be enough? Yeah, that didn't
work out. I broke up with Matilda yesterday.
Yesterday I went to my grandparents to do some laundry. In
the morning I felt okay about how things were left with
Matilda, but as the day progressed, bits and pieces of that
anxiety about the relationship and issues I had kept
creeping in. It's really hard because Matilda is such a nice
and good person, but ultimately, there were things about my
values that didn't line up. We were keeping a
Sunday-sleepover up in the air, and this was also kind of a
determining factor for me. I really think that if she would
have stayed over on Sunday that we would have had sex. Or at
least, I would have had to refuse and make things very
awkward.
Matilda told me early on that she didn't want to have sex
unless she was in a committed relationship. I said that's
completely fair! I totally get it. Then, about two weeks
ago, she gave me a heads up that she was getting back on
birth control. It was a weird heads up to get, but we talked
about it, agreed we were going in that direction, and it was
okay. But, recently, there had been some flirtatious action
where we were basically soft sexting that really indicated
to me we would have sex soon. And with me on the fence about
the whole thing, escalating to sex is the exact opposite of
what I wanted to do. I told myself last entry that I would
not escalate, and that I would calm down. Well, I tried to
calm down, but I've arranged things that I will definitely
not be escalating.
I told my grandparents about the situation. How she's such a
nice person, but I can't shake this gut feeling that
something is wrong. They try to be helpful, and are
generally supportive, but they met in high school and have
been together since. Neither of them have really 'dated'. So
to that end, I was kind of on my own.
Then, I'm sitting in the basement while the dryer is running
and I got to a point where I thought to myself "I cannot
keep waffling on this, this anxiety is killing me and I need
to just end it." I texted her asking her how her evening was
going, and she responded that it was going well. She also
sent me a picture of the Christmas tree Downtown and said
'Great news!', and then asked if I'd want to go ice skating
with her or maybe go on a double date with Sam and Blake ice
skating. I never texted back.
I sat in a chair instead, and thought for a long time about
what I was going to do. I thought for a long time if
sticking it out was worth it, but I thought about
conversations with Claude and thought about 'If I don't do
this now, how am I going to feel in a week or two weeks?'.
The answer to that question is still uncomfortable if I stay
this course.
At this point, Krzyszstof calls me randomly. Buddy's
Mercedes broke down in the middle of campus and he was
asking for help. I couldn't help him obviously being way out
at my grandparents, but his interruption broke me of my
stupor and I got the courage to call Matilda afterwards.
I asked her how her afternoon was going. She said it was
going well, and sounded very happy. She was arranging
flowers for her mom's birthday this weekend. She is so sweet
in that way. We had some small talk for a while before I
changed the topic to us. I said that I've been thinking
about us, and that I know this is sudden and is going to
sound like a shock, but I think we should stop seeing each
other. There was a long pause on the phone. When she spoke,
her tone was immediately different and she politely asked
why. I told her that over the past week, I've been dealing
with some personal emotional difficulties and I've come to
the conclusion that it is not a good time for me to be in a
relationship right now. I told her I think she's wonderful,
and that I think she is such an incredibly nice person in
the way that she moves through the world and that I liked
her a lot, but that she deserves someone who is all in for
her and I just don't think I can be that guy for her. I
apologized saying that I wish I knew this beforehand, but I
didn't, and am sorry that I couldn't get there for her. She
started to cry softly, and told me that I didn't need to
hear it from her, but that besides being so smart, that I'm
incredibly compassionate and thoughtful and know how to make
her feel special. She appreciated me being honest and said
that this sucks, but she understands. I told her the one
thing that's most important to me for her to take away from
this conversation is that this is not her fault. I offered
if she wanted to be friends at some point I would be open to
that, but that I know we're both going to need our space
after this jolt. I said I genuinely think she's great and that she
will find her person, just that I don't think it's me. I
apologized again. She told me that she is thankful I was
honest, and that she's rooting for me. She enjoyed our
relationship even though it was so short. We wished each
other good luck.
And that's the last that I talked to her. I started to cry
some too. I wish I could've done this in person on
Wednesday, but for some reason, I just couldn't.
Afterwards I called Sam on the phone to talk to him. He was
supportive in the sense that he knows I've got to do what's
right for me, but cautioned me that he thinks I can make
extremely reactive decisions. He's right. It's a weakness
and a strength. On one hand, I'm able to cut my losses at
times and move on quickly to the next thing, or adjust to
changing circumstances, but on the other, sometimes I can
act too quickly before I have all the cards. I don't think
this situation is like that. Or at least this breakup,
anyways. I've been dealing with this doubt for weeks, while
really the reactive decision was escalating to asking her to
be my girlfriend.
It's over. This sucks, but I know deep down it's the right
choice. My anxiety about the relationship is completely
gone, and instead replaced with a profound loneliness. Part
of me wonders if I blew up something that was good for no
reason, but another part of me knows that's not seeing the
forest for the trees. I feel so bad about this whole
situation and hope these feelings subside soon. It's hard
not to think about. I haven't texted her, and I deleted our
conversation so I can't our chat history. It sucks that when
a relationship like this ends, the whole friendship and
camaraderie ends so quickly too. It's such a brutal cut and
feels like a void has opened up out of nowhere.
I went for a ride today on the bike. I rode over to South
Park to whip around, and then stopped at Brusters. That was
a *blast*. Anyways, I'm still bummed, but I know this was
the right move and things will get better. Luis told me
today that things like this are the price of dating and that
it comes with the territory. He's right.
I redownloaded Hinge. I'm not using it right now, but if
Cinderella likes me I'll at least see it. Up next I'm going
to really write down what I'm looking for in a partner in my
next journal entry. This way, I'll have a list of clear
targets to hit, and who knows, maybe I'll manifest her into
existence. It worked for Lane, at least.
I see Rachel on Tuesday. Yeugh. Time to watch some of The
Pitt tonight and try to relax. I think I might travel into
Pitt tomorrow to go to the gym. I feel like I need it.
I love you, me. We're figuring this shit out.