Obsidian/Writing/Journal/JRNL-20251012-210736.md

id	title	type	created	modified	tags
JRNL-20251012-210736	Sunday, October 12, 2025 - 09:07 PM	journal	2025-10-13T01:07:36Z	2025-10-13T01:07:36Z	journal

Sunday, October 12, 2025 - 09:07 PM

Hi future me, it's been another minute. But, not as long as last time though. Here's some things I want to write about tonight:

1. I'm getting closer to an internship opportunity at INL.
2. Matilda is now my girlfriend at the current moment. This might be problematic.
3. I got dinner with Lucas and his sister at Noodlehead
4. I hosted a poker night. That was fun!

So first things first.

I talked to Dan last week about how an internship opportunity might be a really good thing for me to pursue next summer. He totally agrees. I'd love to potentially do a stint at INL or somewhere similar. It could be really cool, and being in Idaho for the summer could be a lot of fun too (especially if I bring the bike :eyes). I wonder what the weather is like up there! I wrote a one page research statement for Greg Shannon, as he was interested in receiving one. Dan helped me revise it, and we got to 'better than an 8/10'. Dan is so coy about praise sometimes, but he knows it can go to my head. He's careful in that way. Keeps me guessing. I'll presume he was impressed by it.

Work is going a bit better. My motivation is pretty good, and I'm making progress on my proposal. I still don't feel completely locked in, but we're getting there. This is really challenging, and even though it's my full time task, I don't feel like I'm going as fast as I could. One proposal in a fall semester? Hmph. I know its for my thesis, and by the end of the semester if it's ready to go, I think that is good enough. I'll check back in on this thought later.

Okay, now to the dating front.

I've hung out with Matilda a few more times, and asked her to be my girlfriend. She makes me feel really good, but that in itself makes me uncomfortable. It's not the 'feeling happy' part of that that makes me uncomfortable, but when I look far into the future, do I see one with her? The answer is not really. And that fucking sucks. She is so, so nice, but if I'm being honest, I don't think we're on the same level or maybe compatible as partners.

I don't know how to end things. Part of me feels like I'm being premature, but part of me just feels so anxious and frankly guilty that I haven't cut things off with her already. I am really trying to understand why I feel this way. I know she's an adult with her own stakes and emotions, and I wonder why I just don't feel like I connect with her the same way. But at the same time, when she smiles at me and tells me she feels so special, my heart sinks. I don't know what else to say but to affirm her. That's fucked up.

Well we went apple picking, and that was a lot of fun. I was invited to a bonfire afterwards, and I asked her if she'd like to go. It was with a couple of my engineering friends, notably Josh, Patrick, and Logan. Everyone got along, but before we went, I asked how I should introduce her. I smoothly said I could introduce her as 'my girlfriend, Matilda'. Smooth, but fuck why did I do that. She was very excited, and at the moment, I felt good about it too, but now I just kind of dread this entire series of events.

Sam mentioned to me that 'I am allowed to be happy'. And he's right, it's very nice to have someone that does really like me, is super nice to me, is generally supportive, and does make me happy when I'm with her. But there's also other happiness that I'm trying to pursue. I feel like I need time to do my own hobbies. I like this newfound freedom that I have after breaking up with Amber. I like going on dates with different people. Fuck. I don't want to have the responsibility that comes with being in a relationship right now. I just don't think I'm ready for that.

On a different note, I got dinner and caught up with Lucas. He's in town because his sister, Lydia, is visiting Pitt. She's a senior in high school considering Pitt for engineering. She's funny, charming, and I suspect she was slightly in to me. She teased me somewhat, and laughed at all my jokes. I think I was able to answer all her questions. But, maybe that's my own arrogance. What did surprise me though is that she recognized my watch as being a Mr. Jones Watch. That really took me aback, and honestly set things somewhat into perspective. I need someone like that in my life, and while Lydia is not necessarily that person, I do not feel that spark with Matilda in the same way. Lucas is doing well though, and we're going to try and keep in better touch.

Finally, I hosted a poker night. Eric, Sam, and Krzyzstof came over. We had pizzas, and I won $7.65 on 10 dollar buy ins. I'm pretty stoked about that. We're going to run another one this next Friday :). It's a nice guys night thing.

So I think I have to breakup with Matilda. Maybe I'm being premature, but honestly, I don't really think so. I don't want to hurt her worse by pretending that I'm falling for her in the way I suspect she might be falling for me. Perhaps we have got to get coffee or something soon and we can talk. I don't know exactly what I'll say, but probably something along the lines of:

1. I know our relationship just started, but I think we need to end it.
2. I don't know exactly why, but I just don't feel comfortable right now being in one, and I'm sorry I can't be that guy for you.
3. That said, you are so, so nice and I wish I could get there emotionally, but I'm just not.
4. I'm not him for you. But I have really enjoyed getting to know you, and I wish you the best of luck going forward.

It's going to suck, but I'd imagine we'd be non contact after that. I don't know what I would want, but that's probably what I'd go with. I hate that I'm so romantic because fuck I worry this will crush her in a way. In the future, no more flowers or pizzas from scratch? Is making someone feel too special a bad thing?

Of course not, that's silly I think. Those can still be positive memories even if it doesn't work. Fuck this will be an adjustment, and I've never done this before. I just don't want to feel so tumultuous right now.