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+id: JRNL-20251012-210736
+title: Sunday, October 12, 2025 - 09:07 PM
+type: journal
+created: 2025-10-13T01:07:36Z
+modified: 2025-10-13T01:07:36Z
+tags: [journal]
+---
+
+# Sunday, October 12, 2025 - 09:07 PM
+    
+Hi future me, it's been another minute. But, not as long as
+last time though. Here's some things I want to write about
+tonight:
+
+1. I'm getting closer to an internship opportunity at INL.
+2. Matilda is now my girlfriend at the current moment. This
+   might be problematic.
+3. I got dinner with Lucas and his sister at Noodlehead
+4. I hosted a poker night. That was fun!
+
+So first things first. 
+
+I talked to Dan last week about how an internship
+opportunity might be a really good thing for me to pursue
+next summer. He totally agrees. I'd love to potentially do a
+stint at INL or somewhere similar. It could be really cool,
+and being in Idaho for the summer could be a lot of fun too
+(especially if I bring the bike :eyes). I wonder what the
+weather is like up there! I wrote a one page research
+statement for Greg Shannon, as he was interested in
+receiving one. Dan helped me revise it, and we got to
+'better than an 8/10'. Dan is so coy about praise sometimes,
+but he knows it can go to my head. He's careful in that way.
+Keeps me guessing. I'll presume he was impressed by it.
+
+Work is going a bit better. My motivation is pretty good,
+and I'm making progress on my proposal. I still don't feel
+completely locked in, but we're getting there. This is
+really challenging, and even though it's my full time task,
+I don't feel like I'm going as fast as I could. One proposal
+in a fall semester? Hmph. I know its for my thesis, and by
+the end of the semester if it's ready to go, I think that is
+good enough. I'll check back in on this thought later.
+
+Okay, now to the dating front.
+
+I've hung out with Matilda a few more times, and asked her
+to be my girlfriend. She makes me feel really good, but that
+in itself makes me uncomfortable. It's not the 'feeling
+happy' part of that that makes me uncomfortable, but when I
+look far into the future, do I see one with her? The answer
+is not really. And that fucking sucks. She is so, so nice,
+but if I'm being honest, I don't think we're on the same
+level or maybe compatible as partners.
+
+I don't know how to end things. Part of me feels like I'm
+being premature, but part of me just feels so anxious and
+frankly guilty that I haven't cut things off with her
+already. I am really trying to understand why I feel this
+way. I know she's an adult with her own stakes and emotions,
+and I wonder why I just don't feel like I connect with her
+the same way. But at the same time, when she smiles at me
+and tells me she feels so special, my heart *sinks*. I don't
+know what else to say but to affirm her. That's fucked up.
+
+Well we went apple picking, and that was a lot of fun. I was
+invited to a bonfire afterwards, and I asked her if she'd
+like to go. It was with a couple of my engineering friends,
+notably Josh, Patrick, and Logan. Everyone got along, but
+before we went, I asked how I should introduce her. I
+smoothly said I could introduce her as 'my girlfriend,
+Matilda'. Smooth, but fuck why did I do that. She was very
+excited, and at the moment, I felt good about it too, but
+now I just kind of dread this entire series of events.
+
+Sam mentioned to me that 'I am allowed to be happy'. And
+he's right, it's very nice to have someone that does really
+like me, is super nice to me, is generally supportive, and
+*does* make me happy when I'm with her. But there's also
+other happiness that I'm trying to pursue. I feel like I
+need time to do my own hobbies. I like this newfound freedom
+that I have after breaking up with Amber. I like going on
+dates with different people. Fuck. I don't want to have the
+*responsibility* that comes with being in a relationship
+right now. I just don't think I'm ready for that.
+
+On a different note, I got dinner and caught up with Lucas.
+He's in town because his sister, Lydia, is visiting Pitt.
+She's a senior in high school considering Pitt for
+engineering. She's funny, charming, and I suspect she was
+slightly in to me. She teased me somewhat, and laughed at
+all my jokes. I think I was able to answer all her
+questions. But, maybe that's my own arrogance. What did
+surprise me though is that she recognized my watch as being
+a Mr. Jones Watch. That really took me aback, and honestly
+set things somewhat into perspective. I need someone like
+that in my life, and while Lydia is not necessarily that
+person, I do not feel that *spark* with Matilda in the same
+way. Lucas is doing well though, and we're going to try and
+keep in better touch.
+
+Finally, I hosted a poker night. Eric, Sam, and Krzyzstof
+came over. We had pizzas, and I won $7.65 on 10 dollar buy
+ins. I'm pretty stoked about that. We're going to run
+another one this next Friday :). It's a nice guys night
+thing.
+
+So I think I have to breakup with Matilda. Maybe I'm being
+premature, but honestly, I don't really think so. I don't
+want to hurt her worse by pretending that I'm falling for
+her in the way I suspect she might be falling for me.
+Perhaps we have got to get coffee or something soon and we
+can talk. I don't know exactly what I'll say, but probably
+something along the lines of:
+
+1. I know our relationship just started, but I think we need
+   to end it.
+2. I don't know exactly why, but I just don't feel
+   comfortable right now being in one, and I'm sorry I can't
+   be that guy for you.
+3. That said, you are so, so nice and I wish I could get
+   there emotionally, but I'm just not. 
+4. I'm not him for you. But I have really enjoyed getting to
+   know you, and I wish you the best of luck going forward.
+
+It's going to suck, but I'd imagine we'd be non contact
+after that. I don't know what I would want, but that's
+probably what I'd go with. I hate that I'm so romantic
+because fuck I worry this will crush her in a way. In the
+future, no more flowers or pizzas from scratch? Is making
+someone feel too special a bad thing? 
+
+Of course not, that's silly I think. Those can still be
+positive memories even if it doesn't work. Fuck this will be
+an adjustment, and I've never done this before. I just don't
+want to feel so tumultuous right now.