Friday, October 17, 2025 - 07:35 PM

Yeah, so y'know how I said I was going to enjoy getting to know her, and that that would be enough? Yeah, that didn't work out. I broke up with Matilda yesterday.

Yesterday I went to my grandparents to do some laundry. In the morning I felt okay about how things were left with Matilda, but as the day progressed, bits and pieces of that anxiety about the relationship and issues I had kept creeping in. It's really hard because Matilda is such a nice and good person, but ultimately, there were things about my values that didn't line up. We were keeping a Sunday-sleepover up in the air, and this was also kind of a determining factor for me. I really think that if she would have stayed over on Sunday that we would have had sex. Or at least, I would have had to refuse and make things very awkward.

Matilda told me early on that she didn't want to have sex unless she was in a committed relationship. I said that's completely fair! I totally get it. Then, about two weeks ago, she gave me a heads up that she was getting back on birth control. It was a weird heads up to get, but we talked about it, agreed we were going in that direction, and it was okay. But, recently, there had been some flirtatious action where we were basically soft sexting that really indicated to me we would have sex soon. And with me on the fence about the whole thing, escalating to sex is the exact opposite of what I wanted to do. I told myself last entry that I would not escalate, and that I would calm down. Well, I tried to calm down, but I've arranged things that I will definitely not be escalating.

I told my grandparents about the situation. How she's such a nice person, but I can't shake this gut feeling that something is wrong. They try to be helpful, and are generally supportive, but they met in high school and have been together since. Neither of them have really 'dated'. So to that end, I was kind of on my own.

Then, I'm sitting in the basement while the dryer is running and I got to a point where I thought to myself "I cannot keep waffling on this, this anxiety is killing me and I need to just end it." I texted her asking her how her evening was going, and she responded that it was going well. She also sent me a picture of the Christmas tree Downtown and said 'Great news!', and then asked if I'd want to go ice skating with her or maybe go on a double date with Sam and Blake ice skating. I never texted back.

I sat in a chair instead, and thought for a long time about what I was going to do. I thought for a long time if sticking it out was worth it, but I thought about conversations with Claude and thought about 'If I don't do this now, how am I going to feel in a week or two weeks?'. The answer to that question is still uncomfortable if I stay this course.

At this point, Krzyszstof calls me randomly. Buddy's Mercedes broke down in the middle of campus and he was asking for help. I couldn't help him obviously being way out at my grandparents, but his interruption broke me of my stupor and I got the courage to call Matilda afterwards.

I asked her how her afternoon was going. She said it was going well, and sounded very happy. She was arranging flowers for her mom's birthday this weekend. She is so sweet in that way. We had some small talk for a while before I changed the topic to us. I said that I've been thinking about us, and that I know this is sudden and is going to sound like a shock, but I think we should stop seeing each other. There was a long pause on the phone. When she spoke, her tone was immediately different and she politely asked why. I told her that over the past week, I've been dealing with some personal emotional difficulties and I've come to the conclusion that it is not a good time for me to be in a relationship right now. I told her I think she's wonderful, and that I think she is such an incredibly nice person in the way that she moves through the world and that I liked her a lot, but that she deserves someone who is all in for her and I just don't think I can be that guy for her. I apologized saying that I wish I knew this beforehand, but I didn't, and am sorry that I couldn't get there for her. She started to cry softly, and told me that I didn't need to hear it from her, but that besides being so smart, that I'm incredibly compassionate and thoughtful and know how to make her feel special. She appreciated me being honest and said that this sucks, but she understands. I told her the one thing that's most important to me for her to take away from this conversation is that this is not her fault. I offered if she wanted to be friends at some point I would be open to that, but that I know we're both going to need our space after this jolt. I said I genuinely think she's great and that she will find her person, just that I don't think it's me. I apologized again. She told me that she is thankful I was honest, and that she's rooting for me. She enjoyed our relationship even though it was so short. We wished each other good luck.

And that's the last that I talked to her. I started to cry some too. I wish I could've done this in person on Wednesday, but for some reason, I just couldn't.

Afterwards I called Sam on the phone to talk to him. He was supportive in the sense that he knows I've got to do what's right for me, but cautioned me that he thinks I can make extremely reactive decisions. He's right. It's a weakness and a strength. On one hand, I'm able to cut my losses at times and move on quickly to the next thing, or adjust to changing circumstances, but on the other, sometimes I can act too quickly before I have all the cards. I don't think this situation is like that. Or at least this breakup, anyways. I've been dealing with this doubt for weeks, while really the reactive decision was escalating to asking her to be my girlfriend.

It's over. This sucks, but I know deep down it's the right choice. My anxiety about the relationship is completely gone, and instead replaced with a profound loneliness. Part of me wonders if I blew up something that was good for no reason, but another part of me knows that's not seeing the forest for the trees. I feel so bad about this whole situation and hope these feelings subside soon. It's hard not to think about. I haven't texted her, and I deleted our conversation so I can't our chat history. It sucks that when a relationship like this ends, the whole friendship and camaraderie ends so quickly too. It's such a brutal cut and feels like a void has opened up out of nowhere.

I went for a ride today on the bike. I rode over to South Park to whip around, and then stopped at Brusters. That was a blast. Anyways, I'm still bummed, but I know this was the right move and things will get better. Luis told me today that things like this are the price of dating and that it comes with the territory. He's right.

I redownloaded Hinge. I'm not using it right now, but if Cinderella likes me I'll at least see it. Up next I'm going to really write down what I'm looking for in a partner in my next journal entry. This way, I'll have a list of clear targets to hit, and who knows, maybe I'll manifest her into existence. It worked for Lane, at least.

I see Rachel on Tuesday. Yeugh. Time to watch some of The Pitt tonight and try to relax. I think I might travel into Pitt tomorrow to go to the gym. I feel like I need it.

I love you, me. We're figuring this shit out.

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Friday, October 17, 2025 - 07:35 PM

7.4 KiB

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