Obsidian/Writing/Journal/JRNL-20251017-193513.md

---
id: JRNL-20251017-193513
title: Friday, October 17, 2025 - 07:35 PM
type: journal
created: 2025-10-17T23:35:13Z
modified: 2025-10-17T23:35:13Z
tags: [journal]
---

# Friday, October 17, 2025 - 07:35 PM

Yeah, so y'know how I said I was going to enjoy getting to
know her, and that that would be enough? Yeah, that didn't
work out. I broke up with Matilda yesterday.

Yesterday I went to my grandparents to do some laundry. In
the morning I felt okay about how things were left with
Matilda, but as the day progressed, bits and pieces of that
anxiety about the relationship and issues I had kept
creeping in. It's really hard because Matilda is such a nice
and good person, but ultimately, there were things about my
values that didn't line up. We were keeping a
Sunday-sleepover up in the air, and this was also kind of a
determining factor for me. I really think that if she would
have stayed over on Sunday that we would have had sex. Or at
least, I would have had to refuse and make things very
awkward.

Matilda told me early on that she didn't want to have sex
unless she was in a committed relationship. I said that's
completely fair! I totally get it. Then, about two weeks
ago, she gave me a heads up that she was getting back on
birth control. It was a weird heads up to get, but we talked
about it, agreed we were going in that direction, and it was
okay. But, recently, there had been some flirtatious action
where we were basically soft sexting that really indicated
to me we would have sex soon. And with me on the fence about
the whole thing, escalating to sex is the exact opposite of
what I wanted to do. I told myself last entry that I would
not escalate, and that I would calm down. Well, I tried to
calm down, but I've arranged things that I will definitely
not be escalating.

I told my grandparents about the situation. How she's such a
nice person, but I can't shake this gut feeling that
something is wrong. They try to be helpful, and are
generally supportive, but they met in high school and have
been together since. Neither of them have really 'dated'. So
to that end, I was kind of on my own.

Then, I'm sitting in the basement while the dryer is running
and I got to a point where I thought to myself "I cannot
keep waffling on this, this anxiety is killing me and I need
to just end it." I texted her asking her how her evening was
going, and she responded that it was going well. She also
sent me a picture of the Christmas tree Downtown and said
'Great news!', and then asked if I'd want to go ice skating
with her or maybe go on a double date with Sam and Blake ice
skating. I never texted back.

I sat in a chair instead, and thought for a long time about
what I was going to do. I thought for a long time if
sticking it out was worth it, but I thought about
conversations with Claude and thought about 'If I don't do
this now, how am I going to feel in a week or two weeks?'.
The answer to that question is still uncomfortable if I stay
this course.

At this point, Krzyszstof calls me randomly. Buddy's
Mercedes broke down in the middle of campus and he was
asking for help. I couldn't help him obviously being way out
at my grandparents, but his interruption broke me of my
stupor and I got the courage to call Matilda afterwards.

I asked her how her afternoon was going. She said it was
going well, and sounded very happy. She was arranging
flowers for her mom's birthday this weekend. She is so sweet
in that way. We had some small talk for a while before I
changed the topic to us. I said that I've been thinking
about us, and that I know this is sudden and is going to
sound like a shock, but I think we should stop seeing each
other. There was a long pause on the phone. When she spoke,
her tone was immediately different and she politely asked
why. I told her that over the past week, I've been dealing
with some personal emotional difficulties and I've come to
the conclusion that it is not a good time for me to be in a
relationship right now. I told her I think she's wonderful,
and that I think she is such an incredibly nice person in
the way that she moves through the world and that I liked
her a lot, but that she deserves someone who is all in for
her and I just don't think I can be that guy for her. I
apologized saying that I wish I knew this beforehand, but I
didn't, and am sorry that I couldn't get there for her. She
started to cry softly, and told me that I didn't need to
hear it from her, but that besides being so smart, that I'm
incredibly compassionate and thoughtful and know how to make
her feel special. She appreciated me being honest and said
that this sucks, but she understands. I told her the one
thing that's most important to me for her to take away from
this conversation is that this is not her fault. I offered
if she wanted to be friends at some point I would be open to
that, but that I know we're both going to need our space
after this jolt. I said I genuinely think she's great and that she
will find her person, just that I don't think it's me. I
apologized again. She told me that she is thankful I was
honest, and that she's rooting for me. She enjoyed our
relationship even though it was so short. We wished each
other good luck.

And that's the last that I talked to her. I started to cry
some too. I wish I could've done this in person on
Wednesday, but for some reason, I just couldn't. 

Afterwards I called Sam on the phone to talk to him. He was
supportive in the sense that he knows I've got to do what's
right for me, but cautioned me that he thinks I can make
extremely reactive decisions. He's right. It's a weakness
and a strength. On one hand, I'm able to cut my losses at
times and move on quickly to the next thing, or adjust to
changing circumstances, but on the other, sometimes I can
act too quickly before I have all the cards. I don't think
this situation is like that. Or at least this breakup,
anyways. I've been dealing with this doubt for weeks, while
really the reactive decision was escalating to asking her to
be my girlfriend.

It's over. This sucks, but I know deep down it's the right
choice. My anxiety about the relationship is completely
gone, and instead replaced with a profound loneliness. Part
of me wonders if I blew up something that was good for no
reason, but another part of me knows that's not seeing the
forest for the trees. I feel so bad about this whole
situation and hope these feelings subside soon. It's hard
not to think about. I haven't texted her, and I deleted our
conversation so I can't our chat history. It sucks that when
a relationship like this ends, the whole friendship and
camaraderie ends so quickly too. It's such a brutal cut and
feels like a void has opened up out of nowhere.

I went for a ride today on the bike. I rode over to South
Park to whip around, and then stopped at Brusters. That was
a *blast*. Anyways, I'm still bummed, but I know this was
the right move and things will get better. Luis told me
today that things like this are the price of dating and that
it comes with the territory. He's right.

I redownloaded Hinge. I'm not using it right now, but if
Cinderella likes me I'll at least see it. Up next I'm going
to really write down what I'm looking for in a partner in my
next journal entry. This way, I'll have a list of clear
targets to hit, and who knows, maybe I'll manifest her into
existence. It worked for Lane, at least. 

I see Rachel on Tuesday. Yeugh. Time to watch some of The
Pitt tonight and try to relax. I think I might travel into
Pitt tomorrow to go to the gym. I feel like I need it.

I love you, me. We're figuring this shit out.