Obsidian/Writing/Journal/JRNL-20251012-210736.md

---
id: JRNL-20251012-210736
title: Sunday, October 12, 2025 - 09:07 PM
type: journal
created: 2025-10-13T01:07:36Z
modified: 2025-10-13T01:07:36Z
tags: [journal]
---

# Sunday, October 12, 2025 - 09:07 PM
    
Hi future me, it's been another minute. But, not as long as
last time though. Here's some things I want to write about
tonight:

1. I'm getting closer to an internship opportunity at INL.
2. Matilda is now my girlfriend at the current moment. This
   might be problematic.
3. I got dinner with Lucas and his sister at Noodlehead
4. I hosted a poker night. That was fun!

So first things first. 

I talked to Dan last week about how an internship
opportunity might be a really good thing for me to pursue
next summer. He totally agrees. I'd love to potentially do a
stint at INL or somewhere similar. It could be really cool,
and being in Idaho for the summer could be a lot of fun too
(especially if I bring the bike :eyes). I wonder what the
weather is like up there! I wrote a one page research
statement for Greg Shannon, as he was interested in
receiving one. Dan helped me revise it, and we got to
'better than an 8/10'. Dan is so coy about praise sometimes,
but he knows it can go to my head. He's careful in that way.
Keeps me guessing. I'll presume he was impressed by it.

Work is going a bit better. My motivation is pretty good,
and I'm making progress on my proposal. I still don't feel
completely locked in, but we're getting there. This is
really challenging, and even though it's my full time task,
I don't feel like I'm going as fast as I could. One proposal
in a fall semester? Hmph. I know its for my thesis, and by
the end of the semester if it's ready to go, I think that is
good enough. I'll check back in on this thought later.

Okay, now to the dating front.

I've hung out with Matilda a few more times, and asked her
to be my girlfriend. She makes me feel really good, but that
in itself makes me uncomfortable. It's not the 'feeling
happy' part of that that makes me uncomfortable, but when I
look far into the future, do I see one with her? The answer
is not really. And that fucking sucks. She is so, so nice,
but if I'm being honest, I don't think we're on the same
level or maybe compatible as partners.

I don't know how to end things. Part of me feels like I'm
being premature, but part of me just feels so anxious and
frankly guilty that I haven't cut things off with her
already. I am really trying to understand why I feel this
way. I know she's an adult with her own stakes and emotions,
and I wonder why I just don't feel like I connect with her
the same way. But at the same time, when she smiles at me
and tells me she feels so special, my heart *sinks*. I don't
know what else to say but to affirm her. That's fucked up.

Well we went apple picking, and that was a lot of fun. I was
invited to a bonfire afterwards, and I asked her if she'd
like to go. It was with a couple of my engineering friends,
notably Josh, Patrick, and Logan. Everyone got along, but
before we went, I asked how I should introduce her. I
smoothly said I could introduce her as 'my girlfriend,
Matilda'. Smooth, but fuck why did I do that. She was very
excited, and at the moment, I felt good about it too, but
now I just kind of dread this entire series of events.

Sam mentioned to me that 'I am allowed to be happy'. And
he's right, it's very nice to have someone that does really
like me, is super nice to me, is generally supportive, and
*does* make me happy when I'm with her. But there's also
other happiness that I'm trying to pursue. I feel like I
need time to do my own hobbies. I like this newfound freedom
that I have after breaking up with Amber. I like going on
dates with different people. Fuck. I don't want to have the
*responsibility* that comes with being in a relationship
right now. I just don't think I'm ready for that.

On a different note, I got dinner and caught up with Lucas.
He's in town because his sister, Lydia, is visiting Pitt.
She's a senior in high school considering Pitt for
engineering. She's funny, charming, and I suspect she was
slightly in to me. She teased me somewhat, and laughed at
all my jokes. I think I was able to answer all her
questions. But, maybe that's my own arrogance. What did
surprise me though is that she recognized my watch as being
a Mr. Jones Watch. That really took me aback, and honestly
set things somewhat into perspective. I need someone like
that in my life, and while Lydia is not necessarily that
person, I do not feel that *spark* with Matilda in the same
way. Lucas is doing well though, and we're going to try and
keep in better touch.

Finally, I hosted a poker night. Eric, Sam, and Krzyzstof
came over. We had pizzas, and I won $7.65 on 10 dollar buy
ins. I'm pretty stoked about that. We're going to run
another one this next Friday :). It's a nice guys night
thing.

So I think I have to breakup with Matilda. Maybe I'm being
premature, but honestly, I don't really think so. I don't
want to hurt her worse by pretending that I'm falling for
her in the way I suspect she might be falling for me.
Perhaps we have got to get coffee or something soon and we
can talk. I don't know exactly what I'll say, but probably
something along the lines of:

1. I know our relationship just started, but I think we need
   to end it.
2. I don't know exactly why, but I just don't feel
   comfortable right now being in one, and I'm sorry I can't
   be that guy for you.
3. That said, you are so, so nice and I wish I could get
   there emotionally, but I'm just not. 
4. I'm not him for you. But I have really enjoyed getting to
   know you, and I wish you the best of luck going forward.

It's going to suck, but I'd imagine we'd be non contact
after that. I don't know what I would want, but that's
probably what I'd go with. I hate that I'm so romantic
because fuck I worry this will crush her in a way. In the
future, no more flowers or pizzas from scratch? Is making
someone feel too special a bad thing? 

Of course not, that's silly I think. Those can still be
positive memories even if it doesn't work. Fuck this will be
an adjustment, and I've never done this before. I just don't
want to feel so tumultuous right now.