3 changed files with 2 additions and 345 deletions
--- a/.sessions/Journal.vim
+++ b/.sessions/Journal.vim
@ -17,52 +17,10 @@ badd +1 ~/Documents/Dane\'s\ Vault/Journal/2025_07_30.md
 badd +10 JRNL-20250904-135850.md
 badd +96 JRNL-20251003-174601.md
 badd +14 journal_config.txt
 badd +95 JRNL-20251012-210736.md
 argglobal
 %argdel
-edit JRNL-20251012-210736.md
+edit journal_config.txt
 let s:save_splitbelow = &splitbelow
 let s:save_splitright = &splitright
 set splitbelow splitright
 wincmd _ | wincmd |
 vsplit
 1wincmd h
 wincmd w
 let &splitbelow = s:save_splitbelow
 let &splitright = s:save_splitright
 wincmd t
 let s:save_winminheight = &winminheight
 let s:save_winminwidth = &winminwidth
 set winminheight=0
 set winheight=1
 set winminwidth=0
 set winwidth=1
 exe 'vert 1resize ' . ((&columns * 93 + 93) / 186)
 exe 'vert 2resize ' . ((&columns * 92 + 93) / 186)
 argglobal
 balt journal_config.txt
 setlocal foldmethod=manual
 setlocal foldexpr=0
 setlocal foldmarker={{{,}}}
 setlocal foldignore=#
 setlocal foldlevel=0
 setlocal foldminlines=1
 setlocal foldnestmax=20
 setlocal foldenable
 silent! normal! zE
 let &fdl = &fdl
 let s:l = 95 - ((21 * winheight(0) + 32) / 64)
 if s:l < 1 | let s:l = 1 | endif
 keepjumps exe s:l
 normal! zt
 keepjumps 95
 normal! 0
 wincmd w
 argglobal
 if bufexists(fnamemodify("journal_config.txt", ":p")) | buffer journal_config.txt | else | edit journal_config.txt | endif
 if &buftype ==# 'terminal'
  silent file journal_config.txt
 endif
 balt JRNL-20251003-174601.md
 setlocal foldmethod=manual
 setlocal foldexpr=0
@ -79,10 +37,7 @@ if s:l < 1 | let s:l = 1 | endif
 keepjumps exe s:l
 normal! zt
 keepjumps 14
-normal! 019|
+normal! 0
 wincmd w
 exe 'vert 1resize ' . ((&columns * 93 + 93) / 186)
 exe 'vert 2resize ' . ((&columns * 92 + 93) / 186)
 tabnext 1
 if exists('s:wipebuf') && len(win_findbuf(s:wipebuf)) == 0 && getbufvar(s:wipebuf, '&buftype') isnot# 'terminal'
  silent exe 'bwipe ' . s:wipebuf
@ -90,8 +45,6 @@ endif
 unlet! s:wipebuf
 set winheight=1 winwidth=20
 let &shortmess = s:shortmess_save
 let &winminheight = s:save_winminheight
 let &winminwidth = s:save_winminwidth
 let s:sx = expand("<sfile>:p:r")."x.vim"
 if filereadable(s:sx)
  exe "source " . fnameescape(s:sx)
--- a/Writing/Journal/JRNL-20251015-204549.md
+++ b/Writing/Journal/JRNL-20251015-204549.md
@ -1,138 +0,0 @@
 ---
 id: JRNL-20251015-204549
 title: Wednesday, October 15, 2025 - 08:45 PM
 type: journal
 created: 2025-10-16T00:45:49Z
 modified: 2025-10-16T00:45:49Z
 tags: [journal]
 ---
 # Wednesday, October 15, 2025 - 08:45 PM
 Today is a new journal day, and I have some updates! The
 principal topic of this entry is going to be about Matilda,
 and a little bit about Sam. Nothing new is really happening
 at work recently, other than I've gone to the gym the past
 couple of days and that's been fun! I'm quite proud of that.
 So here's the deal about Matilda: I need to chill the fuck
 out. I'm having conversations back and forth about breaking
 up with this chick when *I don't really know her*. I have
 known her for *one* month, and we have been dating for
 *four* days. How can I possibly really know her?
 We went on another two dates. The first one was a bike ride
 on Tuesday afternoon, where we rode about 8 miles and
 stopped for burgers and beers in the middle. I felt like
 things were kind of awkward. We talked about random stuff,
 and things were kind of goofy. I think it was somewhat
 mutual, but I dunno I feel like maybe I was in a weird
 headspace. We chatted about my car some, and I did get a
 little bit of a weird reaction when I was like "yeah
 completion is probably 5-10 years away". I think that
 stunned her a little bit. We wrapped up and things were
 okay! A different kind of date than we're used to but it was
 a nice ride nonetheless. I think it kinda just goes to show
 maybe it's something we don't really share well as a couple.
 I like to go fast and I don't think she can keep up :eyes:.
 After that date though, I've been in some more turmoil about
 what I should do about the relationship. Should I break up
 with her? Are there dealbreakers I can't handle? Why did I
 move so fast? Why do I escalate based on emotions? And
 generally I've been getting a pit in my stomach sometimes
 when she says something like "you make me feel special". I
 thought this was a gut instinct telling me that I don't want
 her to feel that way or that I'm not ready for that
 commitment but this most recent date has significantly
 changed my perspective.
 Today I was planning on seeing her to break up with her. I
 had some sandpaper I was going to give her for these glasses
 she's making out of wine bottles, and then go on a walk with
 her. I had planned it out, I had rehearsed it with Claude
 (shoutout Claude btw), and felt pretty prepared for what was
 going to go down. But when I saw her, and we started
 walking, my gut feeling was very different. She was holding
 my hand, and we were just chatting and bs'ing about our days
 when I realized that I really don't know her, I really don't
 know that this couldn't work, and it's really not so serious
 as it feels in my head some times. 
 I took a step back on my thoughts of her falling for me and
 really dug into why I feel that way. I think I'm getting
 ahead of myself saying that, because we're still learning
 about each other and I think she's totally taking things
 more slowly and casually than I am. No one is seeing wedding
 bells right now, instead it's really more like we're getting
 to know one another with some exclusivity attached. It isn't
 so high stakes. Why did I get so anxious about this? Why did
 I catastrophize things with problems that don't really exist
 yet?
 I keep getting tied up on the idea that I need a partner
 with whom I can tinker with. Why? I have friends that I do
 that with, and honestly, like working alone a lot of the
 time. Do I need that in a partner? Maybe, but also maybe
 not? Why don't I use this relationship to really actually
 find that out? Also, she might actually be interested in
 some of that stuff? Who knows? The answer is, not me.
 Here's what I do know: when we went on that walk, when we
 sat down and talked about our days, when we talked about
 random stuff (like data privacy laws, government debt, and
 voluntary euthanasia????? Sidebar, that was crazy) I felt
 *so* relaxed. It was easy to just chill with her and enjoy
 the sunset. 
 So I've been on this thing where the emotions attached to
 her have been sinusoidal. I've gotta be honest, I think
 that's my fault, and does not help my clarity in making a
 decision in what I actually need in a partner. But, Matilda
 is *not* a partner yet. We're right at the beginning of a
 relationship, where *both* of us are figuring out if this is
 right or not. And that does *not* happen in 4 days. The
 things that I've been catastrophizing about are stressing me
 out for no reason, and are not real problems yet. It is my
 goal for this next week, to just calm down, and try to
 journal and relax before making decisions. Ideally, don't
 make *any* decisions this next week. What I feel like I
 really need is some stability. No escalations, but also I
 don't need to break up with her for no good reason either. I
 can try and figure my shit out at the same time, knowing
 that things aren't super serious right now. I don't need to
 put some much pressure on myself.
 Matilda is really nice to me, makes me feel calm when I'm
 with her, and really stimulates me intellectually just
 chatting about random stuff. Why I get so anxious when I'm
 not around her is my problem to figure out, and not a reason
 to drive decisions. For now, I'm going to keep getting to
 know her and try to relax a little. No one is getting
 married or having kids next month. To quote what
 best-buddy-in-chief Sam said "You know, you're allowed to be
 happy." He's right, and I don't need to create new problems.
 Then, there is recent details about Samuel! Sam is
 struggling some. We went golfing on Monday morning, which
 was a blast. I need to make it a priority to show up earlier
 than tee times though, as I got there basically 4 minutes
 before tee off. Anyways, Sam feels listless. He doesn't love
 his company, and Blake has been stressing him out some with
 her not really advancing her accounting certifications right
 now. I understand. I told him he should set some concrete
 goals. If he wants to leave his company, he should set a
 target date and write it down (sort of like I'm doing here).
 Maybe he should set some goals on his hobbies. The point
 was, make it measurable! I think that will help him a lot.
 Poker is probably falling through this Friday, with people
 being busy. Maybe I'll try to hangout with Sam anyways. 
 Matilda has her aunt coming into town this weekend, so the
 next time we're going to see each other is Sunday. No more
 escalating for now, no more "should I blow it all up????"
 for a bit, instead, let me just enjoy getting to know this
 new person without putting the Atlas-like pressure on it.
 That can be enough.
--- a/Writing/Journal/JRNL-20251017-193513.md
+++ b/Writing/Journal/JRNL-20251017-193513.md
@ -1,158 +0,0 @@
 ---
 id: JRNL-20251017-193513
 title: Friday, October 17, 2025 - 07:35 PM
 type: journal
 created: 2025-10-17T23:35:13Z
 modified: 2025-10-17T23:35:13Z
 tags: [journal]
 ---
 # Friday, October 17, 2025 - 07:35 PM
 Yeah, so y'know how I said I was going to enjoy getting to
 know her, and that that would be enough? Yeah, that didn't
 work out. I broke up with Matilda yesterday.
 Yesterday I went to my grandparents to do some laundry. In
 the morning I felt okay about how things were left with
 Matilda, but as the day progressed, bits and pieces of that
 anxiety about the relationship and issues I had kept
 creeping in. It's really hard because Matilda is such a nice
 and good person, but ultimately, there were things about my
 values that didn't line up. We were keeping a
 Sunday-sleepover up in the air, and this was also kind of a
 determining factor for me. I really think that if she would
 have stayed over on Sunday that we would have had sex. Or at
 least, I would have had to refuse and make things very
 awkward.
 Matilda told me early on that she didn't want to have sex
 unless she was in a committed relationship. I said that's
 completely fair! I totally get it. Then, about two weeks
 ago, she gave me a heads up that she was getting back on
 birth control. It was a weird heads up to get, but we talked
 about it, agreed we were going in that direction, and it was
 okay. But, recently, there had been some flirtatious action
 where we were basically soft sexting that really indicated
 to me we would have sex soon. And with me on the fence about
 the whole thing, escalating to sex is the exact opposite of
 what I wanted to do. I told myself last entry that I would
 not escalate, and that I would calm down. Well, I tried to
 calm down, but I've arranged things that I will definitely
 not be escalating.
 I told my grandparents about the situation. How she's such a
 nice person, but I can't shake this gut feeling that
 something is wrong. They try to be helpful, and are
 generally supportive, but they met in high school and have
 been together since. Neither of them have really 'dated'. So
 to that end, I was kind of on my own.
 Then, I'm sitting in the basement while the dryer is running
 and I got to a point where I thought to myself "I cannot
 keep waffling on this, this anxiety is killing me and I need
 to just end it." I texted her asking her how her evening was
 going, and she responded that it was going well. She also
 sent me a picture of the Christmas tree Downtown and said
 'Great news!', and then asked if I'd want to go ice skating
 with her or maybe go on a double date with Sam and Blake ice
 skating. I never texted back.
 I sat in a chair instead, and thought for a long time about
 what I was going to do. I thought for a long time if
 sticking it out was worth it, but I thought about
 conversations with Claude and thought about 'If I don't do
 this now, how am I going to feel in a week or two weeks?'.
 The answer to that question is still uncomfortable if I stay
 this course.
 At this point, Krzyszstof calls me randomly. Buddy's
 Mercedes broke down in the middle of campus and he was
 asking for help. I couldn't help him obviously being way out
 at my grandparents, but his interruption broke me of my
 stupor and I got the courage to call Matilda afterwards.
 I asked her how her afternoon was going. She said it was
 going well, and sounded very happy. She was arranging
 flowers for her mom's birthday this weekend. She is so sweet
 in that way. We had some small talk for a while before I
 changed the topic to us. I said that I've been thinking
 about us, and that I know this is sudden and is going to
 sound like a shock, but I think we should stop seeing each
 other. There was a long pause on the phone. When she spoke,
 her tone was immediately different and she politely asked
 why. I told her that over the past week, I've been dealing
 with some personal emotional difficulties and I've come to
 the conclusion that it is not a good time for me to be in a
 relationship right now. I told her I think she's wonderful,
 and that I think she is such an incredibly nice person in
 the way that she moves through the world and that I liked
 her a lot, but that she deserves someone who is all in for
 her and I just don't think I can be that guy for her. I
 apologized saying that I wish I knew this beforehand, but I
 didn't, and am sorry that I couldn't get there for her. She
 started to cry softly, and told me that I didn't need to
 hear it from her, but that besides being so smart, that I'm
 incredibly compassionate and thoughtful and know how to make
 her feel special. She appreciated me being honest and said
 that this sucks, but she understands. I told her the one
 thing that's most important to me for her to take away from
 this conversation is that this is not her fault. I offered
 if she wanted to be friends at some point I would be open to
 that, but that I know we're both going to need our space
 after this jolt. I said I genuinely think she's great and that she
 will find her person, just that I don't think it's me. I
 apologized again. She told me that she is thankful I was
 honest, and that she's rooting for me. She enjoyed our
 relationship even though it was so short. We wished each
 other good luck.
 And that's the last that I talked to her. I started to cry
 some too. I wish I could've done this in person on
 Wednesday, but for some reason, I just couldn't. 
 Afterwards I called Sam on the phone to talk to him. He was
 supportive in the sense that he knows I've got to do what's
 right for me, but cautioned me that he thinks I can make
 extremely reactive decisions. He's right. It's a weakness
 and a strength. On one hand, I'm able to cut my losses at
 times and move on quickly to the next thing, or adjust to
 changing circumstances, but on the other, sometimes I can
 act too quickly before I have all the cards. I don't think
 this situation is like that. Or at least this breakup,
 anyways. I've been dealing with this doubt for weeks, while
 really the reactive decision was escalating to asking her to
 be my girlfriend.
 It's over. This sucks, but I know deep down it's the right
 choice. My anxiety about the relationship is completely
 gone, and instead replaced with a profound loneliness. Part
 of me wonders if I blew up something that was good for no
 reason, but another part of me knows that's not seeing the
 forest for the trees. I feel so bad about this whole
 situation and hope these feelings subside soon. It's hard
 not to think about. I haven't texted her, and I deleted our
 conversation so I can't our chat history. It sucks that when
 a relationship like this ends, the whole friendship and
 camaraderie ends so quickly too. It's such a brutal cut and
 feels like a void has opened up out of nowhere.
 I went for a ride today on the bike. I rode over to South
 Park to whip around, and then stopped at Brusters. That was
 a *blast*. Anyways, I'm still bummed, but I know this was
 the right move and things will get better. Luis told me
 today that things like this are the price of dating and that
 it comes with the territory. He's right.
 I redownloaded Hinge. I'm not using it right now, but if
 Cinderella likes me I'll at least see it. Up next I'm going
 to really write down what I'm looking for in a partner in my
 next journal entry. This way, I'll have a list of clear
 targets to hit, and who knows, maybe I'll manifest her into
 existence. It worked for Lane, at least. 
 I see Rachel on Tuesday. Yeugh. Time to watch some of The
 Pitt tonight and try to relax. I think I might travel into
 Pitt tomorrow to go to the gym. I feel like I need it.
 I love you, me. We're figuring this shit out.