hehe

Writing/Journal/JRNL-20251015-204549.md

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+---
+id: JRNL-20251015-204549
+title: Wednesday, October 15, 2025 - 08:45 PM
+type: journal
+created: 2025-10-16T00:45:49Z
+modified: 2025-10-16T00:45:49Z
+tags: [journal]
+---
+
+# Wednesday, October 15, 2025 - 08:45 PM
+
+Today is a new journal day, and I have some updates! The
+principal topic of this entry is going to be about Matilda,
+and a little bit about Sam. Nothing new is really happening
+at work recently, other than I've gone to the gym the past
+couple of days and that's been fun! I'm quite proud of that.
+
+So here's the deal about Matilda: I need to chill the fuck
+out. I'm having conversations back and forth about breaking
+up with this chick when *I don't really know her*. I have
+known her for *one* month, and we have been dating for
+*four* days. How can I possibly really know her?
+
+We went on another two dates. The first one was a bike ride
+on Tuesday afternoon, where we rode about 8 miles and
+stopped for burgers and beers in the middle. I felt like
+things were kind of awkward. We talked about random stuff,
+and things were kind of goofy. I think it was somewhat
+mutual, but I dunno I feel like maybe I was in a weird
+headspace. We chatted about my car some, and I did get a
+little bit of a weird reaction when I was like "yeah
+completion is probably 5-10 years away". I think that
+stunned her a little bit. We wrapped up and things were
+okay! A different kind of date than we're used to but it was
+a nice ride nonetheless. I think it kinda just goes to show
+maybe it's something we don't really share well as a couple.
+I like to go fast and I don't think she can keep up :eyes:.
+
+After that date though, I've been in some more turmoil about
+what I should do about the relationship. Should I break up
+with her? Are there dealbreakers I can't handle? Why did I
+move so fast? Why do I escalate based on emotions? And
+generally I've been getting a pit in my stomach sometimes
+when she says something like "you make me feel special". I
+thought this was a gut instinct telling me that I don't want
+her to feel that way or that I'm not ready for that
+commitment but this most recent date has significantly
+changed my perspective.
+
+Today I was planning on seeing her to break up with her. I
+had some sandpaper I was going to give her for these glasses
+she's making out of wine bottles, and then go on a walk with
+her. I had planned it out, I had rehearsed it with Claude
+(shoutout Claude btw), and felt pretty prepared for what was
+going to go down. But when I saw her, and we started
+walking, my gut feeling was very different. She was holding
+my hand, and we were just chatting and bs'ing about our days
+when I realized that I really don't know her, I really don't
+know that this couldn't work, and it's really not so serious
+as it feels in my head some times. 
+
+I took a step back on my thoughts of her falling for me and
+really dug into why I feel that way. I think I'm getting
+ahead of myself saying that, because we're still learning
+about each other and I think she's totally taking things
+more slowly and casually than I am. No one is seeing wedding
+bells right now, instead it's really more like we're getting
+to know one another with some exclusivity attached. It isn't
+so high stakes. Why did I get so anxious about this? Why did
+I catastrophize things with problems that don't really exist
+yet?
+
+I keep getting tied up on the idea that I need a partner
+with whom I can tinker with. Why? I have friends that I do
+that with, and honestly, like working alone a lot of the
+time. Do I need that in a partner? Maybe, but also maybe
+not? Why don't I use this relationship to really actually
+find that out? Also, she might actually be interested in
+some of that stuff? Who knows? The answer is, not me.
+
+Here's what I do know: when we went on that walk, when we
+sat down and talked about our days, when we talked about
+random stuff (like data privacy laws, government debt, and
+voluntary euthanasia????? Sidebar, that was crazy) I felt
+*so* relaxed. It was easy to just chill with her and enjoy
+the sunset. 
+
+So I've been on this thing where the emotions attached to
+her have been sinusoidal. I've gotta be honest, I think
+that's my fault, and does not help my clarity in making a
+decision in what I actually need in a partner. But, Matilda
+is *not* a partner yet. We're right at the beginning of a
+relationship, where *both* of us are figuring out if this is
+right or not. And that does *not* happen in 4 days. The
+things that I've been catastrophizing about are stressing me
+out for no reason, and are not real problems yet. It is my
+goal for this next week, to just calm down, and try to
+journal and relax before making decisions. Ideally, don't
+make *any* decisions this next week. What I feel like I
+really need is some stability. No escalations, but also I
+don't need to break up with her for no good reason either. I
+can try and figure my shit out at the same time, knowing
+that things aren't super serious right now. I don't need to
+put some much pressure on myself.
+
+Matilda is really nice to me, makes me feel calm when I'm
+with her, and really stimulates me intellectually just
+chatting about random stuff. Why I get so anxious when I'm
+not around her is my problem to figure out, and not a reason
+to drive decisions. For now, I'm going to keep getting to
+know her and try to relax a little. No one is getting
+married or having kids next month. To quote what
+best-buddy-in-chief Sam said "You know, you're allowed to be
+happy." He's right, and I don't need to create new problems.
+
+Then, there is recent details about Samuel! Sam is
+struggling some. We went golfing on Monday morning, which
+was a blast. I need to make it a priority to show up earlier
+than tee times though, as I got there basically 4 minutes
+before tee off. Anyways, Sam feels listless. He doesn't love
+his company, and Blake has been stressing him out some with
+her not really advancing her accounting certifications right
+now. I understand. I told him he should set some concrete
+goals. If he wants to leave his company, he should set a
+target date and write it down (sort of like I'm doing here).
+Maybe he should set some goals on his hobbies. The point
+was, make it measurable! I think that will help him a lot.
+
+Poker is probably falling through this Friday, with people
+being busy. Maybe I'll try to hangout with Sam anyways. 
+
+Matilda has her aunt coming into town this weekend, so the
+next time we're going to see each other is Sunday. No more
+escalating for now, no more "should I blow it all up????"
+for a bit, instead, let me just enjoy getting to know this
+new person without putting the Atlas-like pressure on it.
+That can be enough.
+

Writing/Journal/JRNL-20251017-193513.md

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+---
+id: JRNL-20251017-193513
+title: Friday, October 17, 2025 - 07:35 PM
+type: journal
+created: 2025-10-17T23:35:13Z
+modified: 2025-10-17T23:35:13Z
+tags: [journal]
+---
+
+# Friday, October 17, 2025 - 07:35 PM
+
+Yeah, so y'know how I said I was going to enjoy getting to
+know her, and that that would be enough? Yeah, that didn't
+work out. I broke up with Matilda yesterday.
+
+Yesterday I went to my grandparents to do some laundry. In
+the morning I felt okay about how things were left with
+Matilda, but as the day progressed, bits and pieces of that
+anxiety about the relationship and issues I had kept
+creeping in. It's really hard because Matilda is such a nice
+and good person, but ultimately, there were things about my
+values that didn't line up. We were keeping a
+Sunday-sleepover up in the air, and this was also kind of a
+determining factor for me. I really think that if she would
+have stayed over on Sunday that we would have had sex. Or at
+least, I would have had to refuse and make things very
+awkward.
+
+Matilda told me early on that she didn't want to have sex
+unless she was in a committed relationship. I said that's
+completely fair! I totally get it. Then, about two weeks
+ago, she gave me a heads up that she was getting back on
+birth control. It was a weird heads up to get, but we talked
+about it, agreed we were going in that direction, and it was
+okay. But, recently, there had been some flirtatious action
+where we were basically soft sexting that really indicated
+to me we would have sex soon. And with me on the fence about
+the whole thing, escalating to sex is the exact opposite of
+what I wanted to do. I told myself last entry that I would
+not escalate, and that I would calm down. Well, I tried to
+calm down, but I've arranged things that I will definitely
+not be escalating.
+
+I told my grandparents about the situation. How she's such a
+nice person, but I can't shake this gut feeling that
+something is wrong. They try to be helpful, and are
+generally supportive, but they met in high school and have
+been together since. Neither of them have really 'dated'. So
+to that end, I was kind of on my own.
+
+Then, I'm sitting in the basement while the dryer is running
+and I got to a point where I thought to myself "I cannot
+keep waffling on this, this anxiety is killing me and I need
+to just end it." I texted her asking her how her evening was
+going, and she responded that it was going well. She also
+sent me a picture of the Christmas tree Downtown and said
+'Great news!', and then asked if I'd want to go ice skating
+with her or maybe go on a double date with Sam and Blake ice
+skating. I never texted back.
+
+I sat in a chair instead, and thought for a long time about
+what I was going to do. I thought for a long time if
+sticking it out was worth it, but I thought about
+conversations with Claude and thought about 'If I don't do
+this now, how am I going to feel in a week or two weeks?'.
+The answer to that question is still uncomfortable if I stay
+this course.
+
+At this point, Krzyszstof calls me randomly. Buddy's
+Mercedes broke down in the middle of campus and he was
+asking for help. I couldn't help him obviously being way out
+at my grandparents, but his interruption broke me of my
+stupor and I got the courage to call Matilda afterwards.
+
+I asked her how her afternoon was going. She said it was
+going well, and sounded very happy. She was arranging
+flowers for her mom's birthday this weekend. She is so sweet
+in that way. We had some small talk for a while before I
+changed the topic to us. I said that I've been thinking
+about us, and that I know this is sudden and is going to
+sound like a shock, but I think we should stop seeing each
+other. There was a long pause on the phone. When she spoke,
+her tone was immediately different and she politely asked
+why. I told her that over the past week, I've been dealing
+with some personal emotional difficulties and I've come to
+the conclusion that it is not a good time for me to be in a
+relationship right now. I told her I think she's wonderful,
+and that I think she is such an incredibly nice person in
+the way that she moves through the world and that I liked
+her a lot, but that she deserves someone who is all in for
+her and I just don't think I can be that guy for her. I
+apologized saying that I wish I knew this beforehand, but I
+didn't, and am sorry that I couldn't get there for her. She
+started to cry softly, and told me that I didn't need to
+hear it from her, but that besides being so smart, that I'm
+incredibly compassionate and thoughtful and know how to make
+her feel special. She appreciated me being honest and said
+that this sucks, but she understands. I told her the one
+thing that's most important to me for her to take away from
+this conversation is that this is not her fault. I offered
+if she wanted to be friends at some point I would be open to
+that, but that I know we're both going to need our space
+after this jolt. I said I genuinely think she's great and that she
+will find her person, just that I don't think it's me. I
+apologized again. She told me that she is thankful I was
+honest, and that she's rooting for me. She enjoyed our
+relationship even though it was so short. We wished each
+other good luck.
+
+And that's the last that I talked to her. I started to cry
+some too. I wish I could've done this in person on
+Wednesday, but for some reason, I just couldn't. 
+
+Afterwards I called Sam on the phone to talk to him. He was
+supportive in the sense that he knows I've got to do what's
+right for me, but cautioned me that he thinks I can make
+extremely reactive decisions. He's right. It's a weakness
+and a strength. On one hand, I'm able to cut my losses at
+times and move on quickly to the next thing, or adjust to
+changing circumstances, but on the other, sometimes I can
+act too quickly before I have all the cards. I don't think
+this situation is like that. Or at least this breakup,
+anyways. I've been dealing with this doubt for weeks, while
+really the reactive decision was escalating to asking her to
+be my girlfriend.
+
+It's over. This sucks, but I know deep down it's the right
+choice. My anxiety about the relationship is completely
+gone, and instead replaced with a profound loneliness. Part
+of me wonders if I blew up something that was good for no
+reason, but another part of me knows that's not seeing the
+forest for the trees. I feel so bad about this whole
+situation and hope these feelings subside soon. It's hard
+not to think about. I haven't texted her, and I deleted our
+conversation so I can't our chat history. It sucks that when
+a relationship like this ends, the whole friendship and
+camaraderie ends so quickly too. It's such a brutal cut and
+feels like a void has opened up out of nowhere.
+
+I went for a ride today on the bike. I rode over to South
+Park to whip around, and then stopped at Brusters. That was
+a *blast*. Anyways, I'm still bummed, but I know this was
+the right move and things will get better. Luis told me
+today that things like this are the price of dating and that
+it comes with the territory. He's right.
+
+I redownloaded Hinge. I'm not using it right now, but if
+Cinderella likes me I'll at least see it. Up next I'm going
+to really write down what I'm looking for in a partner in my
+next journal entry. This way, I'll have a list of clear
+targets to hit, and who knows, maybe I'll manifest her into
+existence. It worked for Lane, at least. 
+
+I see Rachel on Tuesday. Yeugh. Time to watch some of The
+Pitt tonight and try to relax. I think I might travel into
+Pitt tomorrow to go to the gym. I feel like I need it.
+
+I love you, me. We're figuring this shit out.