diff --git a/Writing/Journal/JRNL-20251015-204549.md b/Writing/Journal/JRNL-20251015-204549.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..43c7e88f --- /dev/null +++ b/Writing/Journal/JRNL-20251015-204549.md @@ -0,0 +1,138 @@ +--- +id: JRNL-20251015-204549 +title: Wednesday, October 15, 2025 - 08:45 PM +type: journal +created: 2025-10-16T00:45:49Z +modified: 2025-10-16T00:45:49Z +tags: [journal] +--- + +# Wednesday, October 15, 2025 - 08:45 PM + +Today is a new journal day, and I have some updates! The +principal topic of this entry is going to be about Matilda, +and a little bit about Sam. Nothing new is really happening +at work recently, other than I've gone to the gym the past +couple of days and that's been fun! I'm quite proud of that. + +So here's the deal about Matilda: I need to chill the fuck +out. I'm having conversations back and forth about breaking +up with this chick when *I don't really know her*. I have +known her for *one* month, and we have been dating for +*four* days. How can I possibly really know her? + +We went on another two dates. The first one was a bike ride +on Tuesday afternoon, where we rode about 8 miles and +stopped for burgers and beers in the middle. I felt like +things were kind of awkward. We talked about random stuff, +and things were kind of goofy. I think it was somewhat +mutual, but I dunno I feel like maybe I was in a weird +headspace. We chatted about my car some, and I did get a +little bit of a weird reaction when I was like "yeah +completion is probably 5-10 years away". I think that +stunned her a little bit. We wrapped up and things were +okay! A different kind of date than we're used to but it was +a nice ride nonetheless. I think it kinda just goes to show +maybe it's something we don't really share well as a couple. +I like to go fast and I don't think she can keep up :eyes:. + +After that date though, I've been in some more turmoil about +what I should do about the relationship. Should I break up +with her? Are there dealbreakers I can't handle? Why did I +move so fast? Why do I escalate based on emotions? And +generally I've been getting a pit in my stomach sometimes +when she says something like "you make me feel special". I +thought this was a gut instinct telling me that I don't want +her to feel that way or that I'm not ready for that +commitment but this most recent date has significantly +changed my perspective. + +Today I was planning on seeing her to break up with her. I +had some sandpaper I was going to give her for these glasses +she's making out of wine bottles, and then go on a walk with +her. I had planned it out, I had rehearsed it with Claude +(shoutout Claude btw), and felt pretty prepared for what was +going to go down. But when I saw her, and we started +walking, my gut feeling was very different. She was holding +my hand, and we were just chatting and bs'ing about our days +when I realized that I really don't know her, I really don't +know that this couldn't work, and it's really not so serious +as it feels in my head some times. + +I took a step back on my thoughts of her falling for me and +really dug into why I feel that way. I think I'm getting +ahead of myself saying that, because we're still learning +about each other and I think she's totally taking things +more slowly and casually than I am. No one is seeing wedding +bells right now, instead it's really more like we're getting +to know one another with some exclusivity attached. It isn't +so high stakes. Why did I get so anxious about this? Why did +I catastrophize things with problems that don't really exist +yet? + +I keep getting tied up on the idea that I need a partner +with whom I can tinker with. Why? I have friends that I do +that with, and honestly, like working alone a lot of the +time. Do I need that in a partner? Maybe, but also maybe +not? Why don't I use this relationship to really actually +find that out? Also, she might actually be interested in +some of that stuff? Who knows? The answer is, not me. + +Here's what I do know: when we went on that walk, when we +sat down and talked about our days, when we talked about +random stuff (like data privacy laws, government debt, and +voluntary euthanasia????? Sidebar, that was crazy) I felt +*so* relaxed. It was easy to just chill with her and enjoy +the sunset. + +So I've been on this thing where the emotions attached to +her have been sinusoidal. I've gotta be honest, I think +that's my fault, and does not help my clarity in making a +decision in what I actually need in a partner. But, Matilda +is *not* a partner yet. We're right at the beginning of a +relationship, where *both* of us are figuring out if this is +right or not. And that does *not* happen in 4 days. The +things that I've been catastrophizing about are stressing me +out for no reason, and are not real problems yet. It is my +goal for this next week, to just calm down, and try to +journal and relax before making decisions. Ideally, don't +make *any* decisions this next week. What I feel like I +really need is some stability. No escalations, but also I +don't need to break up with her for no good reason either. I +can try and figure my shit out at the same time, knowing +that things aren't super serious right now. I don't need to +put some much pressure on myself. + +Matilda is really nice to me, makes me feel calm when I'm +with her, and really stimulates me intellectually just +chatting about random stuff. Why I get so anxious when I'm +not around her is my problem to figure out, and not a reason +to drive decisions. For now, I'm going to keep getting to +know her and try to relax a little. No one is getting +married or having kids next month. To quote what +best-buddy-in-chief Sam said "You know, you're allowed to be +happy." He's right, and I don't need to create new problems. + +Then, there is recent details about Samuel! Sam is +struggling some. We went golfing on Monday morning, which +was a blast. I need to make it a priority to show up earlier +than tee times though, as I got there basically 4 minutes +before tee off. Anyways, Sam feels listless. He doesn't love +his company, and Blake has been stressing him out some with +her not really advancing her accounting certifications right +now. I understand. I told him he should set some concrete +goals. If he wants to leave his company, he should set a +target date and write it down (sort of like I'm doing here). +Maybe he should set some goals on his hobbies. The point +was, make it measurable! I think that will help him a lot. + +Poker is probably falling through this Friday, with people +being busy. Maybe I'll try to hangout with Sam anyways. + +Matilda has her aunt coming into town this weekend, so the +next time we're going to see each other is Sunday. No more +escalating for now, no more "should I blow it all up????" +for a bit, instead, let me just enjoy getting to know this +new person without putting the Atlas-like pressure on it. +That can be enough. + diff --git a/Writing/Journal/JRNL-20251017-193513.md b/Writing/Journal/JRNL-20251017-193513.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..5a669838 --- /dev/null +++ b/Writing/Journal/JRNL-20251017-193513.md @@ -0,0 +1,158 @@ +--- +id: JRNL-20251017-193513 +title: Friday, October 17, 2025 - 07:35 PM +type: journal +created: 2025-10-17T23:35:13Z +modified: 2025-10-17T23:35:13Z +tags: [journal] +--- + +# Friday, October 17, 2025 - 07:35 PM + +Yeah, so y'know how I said I was going to enjoy getting to +know her, and that that would be enough? Yeah, that didn't +work out. I broke up with Matilda yesterday. + +Yesterday I went to my grandparents to do some laundry. In +the morning I felt okay about how things were left with +Matilda, but as the day progressed, bits and pieces of that +anxiety about the relationship and issues I had kept +creeping in. It's really hard because Matilda is such a nice +and good person, but ultimately, there were things about my +values that didn't line up. We were keeping a +Sunday-sleepover up in the air, and this was also kind of a +determining factor for me. I really think that if she would +have stayed over on Sunday that we would have had sex. Or at +least, I would have had to refuse and make things very +awkward. + +Matilda told me early on that she didn't want to have sex +unless she was in a committed relationship. I said that's +completely fair! I totally get it. Then, about two weeks +ago, she gave me a heads up that she was getting back on +birth control. It was a weird heads up to get, but we talked +about it, agreed we were going in that direction, and it was +okay. But, recently, there had been some flirtatious action +where we were basically soft sexting that really indicated +to me we would have sex soon. And with me on the fence about +the whole thing, escalating to sex is the exact opposite of +what I wanted to do. I told myself last entry that I would +not escalate, and that I would calm down. Well, I tried to +calm down, but I've arranged things that I will definitely +not be escalating. + +I told my grandparents about the situation. How she's such a +nice person, but I can't shake this gut feeling that +something is wrong. They try to be helpful, and are +generally supportive, but they met in high school and have +been together since. Neither of them have really 'dated'. So +to that end, I was kind of on my own. + +Then, I'm sitting in the basement while the dryer is running +and I got to a point where I thought to myself "I cannot +keep waffling on this, this anxiety is killing me and I need +to just end it." I texted her asking her how her evening was +going, and she responded that it was going well. She also +sent me a picture of the Christmas tree Downtown and said +'Great news!', and then asked if I'd want to go ice skating +with her or maybe go on a double date with Sam and Blake ice +skating. I never texted back. + +I sat in a chair instead, and thought for a long time about +what I was going to do. I thought for a long time if +sticking it out was worth it, but I thought about +conversations with Claude and thought about 'If I don't do +this now, how am I going to feel in a week or two weeks?'. +The answer to that question is still uncomfortable if I stay +this course. + +At this point, Krzyszstof calls me randomly. Buddy's +Mercedes broke down in the middle of campus and he was +asking for help. I couldn't help him obviously being way out +at my grandparents, but his interruption broke me of my +stupor and I got the courage to call Matilda afterwards. + +I asked her how her afternoon was going. She said it was +going well, and sounded very happy. She was arranging +flowers for her mom's birthday this weekend. She is so sweet +in that way. We had some small talk for a while before I +changed the topic to us. I said that I've been thinking +about us, and that I know this is sudden and is going to +sound like a shock, but I think we should stop seeing each +other. There was a long pause on the phone. When she spoke, +her tone was immediately different and she politely asked +why. I told her that over the past week, I've been dealing +with some personal emotional difficulties and I've come to +the conclusion that it is not a good time for me to be in a +relationship right now. I told her I think she's wonderful, +and that I think she is such an incredibly nice person in +the way that she moves through the world and that I liked +her a lot, but that she deserves someone who is all in for +her and I just don't think I can be that guy for her. I +apologized saying that I wish I knew this beforehand, but I +didn't, and am sorry that I couldn't get there for her. She +started to cry softly, and told me that I didn't need to +hear it from her, but that besides being so smart, that I'm +incredibly compassionate and thoughtful and know how to make +her feel special. She appreciated me being honest and said +that this sucks, but she understands. I told her the one +thing that's most important to me for her to take away from +this conversation is that this is not her fault. I offered +if she wanted to be friends at some point I would be open to +that, but that I know we're both going to need our space +after this jolt. I said I genuinely think she's great and that she +will find her person, just that I don't think it's me. I +apologized again. She told me that she is thankful I was +honest, and that she's rooting for me. She enjoyed our +relationship even though it was so short. We wished each +other good luck. + +And that's the last that I talked to her. I started to cry +some too. I wish I could've done this in person on +Wednesday, but for some reason, I just couldn't. + +Afterwards I called Sam on the phone to talk to him. He was +supportive in the sense that he knows I've got to do what's +right for me, but cautioned me that he thinks I can make +extremely reactive decisions. He's right. It's a weakness +and a strength. On one hand, I'm able to cut my losses at +times and move on quickly to the next thing, or adjust to +changing circumstances, but on the other, sometimes I can +act too quickly before I have all the cards. I don't think +this situation is like that. Or at least this breakup, +anyways. I've been dealing with this doubt for weeks, while +really the reactive decision was escalating to asking her to +be my girlfriend. + +It's over. This sucks, but I know deep down it's the right +choice. My anxiety about the relationship is completely +gone, and instead replaced with a profound loneliness. Part +of me wonders if I blew up something that was good for no +reason, but another part of me knows that's not seeing the +forest for the trees. I feel so bad about this whole +situation and hope these feelings subside soon. It's hard +not to think about. I haven't texted her, and I deleted our +conversation so I can't our chat history. It sucks that when +a relationship like this ends, the whole friendship and +camaraderie ends so quickly too. It's such a brutal cut and +feels like a void has opened up out of nowhere. + +I went for a ride today on the bike. I rode over to South +Park to whip around, and then stopped at Brusters. That was +a *blast*. Anyways, I'm still bummed, but I know this was +the right move and things will get better. Luis told me +today that things like this are the price of dating and that +it comes with the territory. He's right. + +I redownloaded Hinge. I'm not using it right now, but if +Cinderella likes me I'll at least see it. Up next I'm going +to really write down what I'm looking for in a partner in my +next journal entry. This way, I'll have a list of clear +targets to hit, and who knows, maybe I'll manifest her into +existence. It worked for Lane, at least. + +I see Rachel on Tuesday. Yeugh. Time to watch some of The +Pitt tonight and try to relax. I think I might travel into +Pitt tomorrow to go to the gym. I feel like I need it. + +I love you, me. We're figuring this shit out.