Obsidian/Writing/Journal/JRNL-20251003-174601.md

id	title	type	created	modified	tags
JRNL-20251003-174601	Friday, October 03, 2025 - 05:46 PM	journal	2025-10-03T21:46:01Z	2025-10-03T21:46:01Z	journal

Friday, October 03, 2025 - 05:46 PM

Hi Journal, it has been a minute. I've had a lot of updates since last time, but I've been a slacker when it comes to actually writing them. But today, I really need to write out what has been on my mind. I've been weighed down with some thoughts these past couple of days that are really affecting me.

I met a girl named Matilda on Hinge. We've been on four dates, and I can tell that she really likes me so far. She is really, really nice to me and frankly has reset the bar for me on what I expect from a partner. Matilda works in human resources for UPMC, does not drive, and lives Downtown. She does corporate HR, which basically means she does HR for other HR departments, and special one-off departments that don't have their own HR department. Apparently, hospitals have their own dedicated HR units, so shes above them, in a way.

Matilda is just over five feet tall, has blonde just-past-shoulder length hair, and gorgeous sky blue eyes. She's really quite intelligent from what I've gotten to know of her so far, and is incredibly kind. She smiles at babies, dogs, holds doors open for people, and is generally so friendly. She really inspires me in that way. She treats people with zero biases and reliable warmth.

Her family is from Sewickley. Her dad is some sort of designer, who not too long ago had his company bought and not long after was laid off. He is between jobs right now and not having a lot of luck finding work given his age. Her mom happens to work for the company that laid him off. She's got a background in government affairs, but is working in a finance role. She has a brother named Addison who does computer science work for a company called Grant Street Group. Addison lives in Brooklyn, and is a couple years older than Matilda.

One thing I really don't know about Matilda right now is about her hobbies. The last I really dug into them was on Hinge with her. She listed her hobbies as exploring PGH, reading, trying new recipes, and traveling. Do we have any of those in common..? Not particularly, but we do share some passion cooking and reading. She likes to read a lot of memoirs, she has said. She also likes to bike.

There are some things about Matilda that I really like. First, she's inspiring with how friendly she is. She, just by being herself, makes me think that I'm too cold to the world and too defensive. She makes me feel really good about myself, is always excited to be around, and doesn't judge me. She's been very reciprocal in just about every case so far. She refuses to let me pay for some dates, bought our coffees on the first date (and refused to let me pay!), likes to be the big spoon and the little spoon. She's a big cuddler and I absolutely love that. There is some serious physical chemistry.

One thing I really like about Matilda is she is curious about the world and people. I feel like I can talk to her about anything. She is extremely approachable, genuinely interested in me, easy to talk to.

There are also some things about Matilda that really intimidate me going forward. For one, I really want somebody to tinker with, and I don't think she's ever going to fill that need. She does not drive, and while I don't think that's a forever problem, it's not exactly conducive to my biggest hobby being working on my cars. I really don't want to give that up, to be honest, but also I don't want to force a hobby like that on someone. That's reason enough I think it might not really work out.

But, here's another problem. I want to be a dad one day. I asked Matilda if she ever would want kids, and she opened up to me about a couple of concerns she actually has about having kids. Matilda has a DNA translocation between chromosomes 2 and 8 that places her in a much higher likelihood of having a miscarriage, or passing defects on to kids. Also, Matilda had a cleft palate when she was born, which though corrected, required several surgeries at UPMC Children's Hospital. She credits that as one of her big drivers to working at UPMC. But, she could also pass that cleft palate onto a kid. Between these two genetic issues, having kids for her is actually a super challenging issue before even considering any external factors like climate change or the current political climate. There are mitigating factors, like IVF or an egg donor, or even CRISPR, but that would be so much for her to go through if she didn't 100% want a kid, too. She said she's had previous relationships end over this topic, and honestly teared up some while talking about it.

Matilda and I have had four dates so far, which is an insanely short time to even begin to say you know someone. She makes me feel so good, but these are big issues. Am I going to fast trying to figure all these things out? Part of me feels like the answer is yes, but also part of me feels like if these are dealbreakers I need to kill things now.

Which is another thing that makes me feel crazy and horrible. Last night, I spent the night at Matilda's. We didn't have sex, but we stopped just short. We were definitely both into it (see physical chemistry), but the emotions are weighing on me very heavily. I gave her one of my hoodies to wear if she likes, which I think she really does. It makes me happy to see her so happy. But part of me is wondering if I'm settling and compromising on what I might actually need in my lifetime.

I don't know how to go forward from here. Do I really know her enough to know? How do I go forward without really hurting her? Is it too late? I don't know. I know she agrees that we barely know each other yet. Is it immoral to keep seeing her? I do like her, but this is different from the plan I had in my head. I also am worried of something more insidious, where subconsciously I'm neglecting her future pain for my short term enjoyment. That makes me feel beyond fucked up. I couldn't end things with Amber previously, and I don't want this to be the same problem. I definitely need to talk to my therapist Rachel about this next time I see her.

I'll see Sam and Eric tonight at Applebee's to discuss planning Sam's bachelor party, and maybe we'll have some time to talk about this.

Writing about this has made me feel a bit better. Also, listening to Year of the Banana has helped, too.

Last but not least, I gave Matt his STI wheels back today. I overheard his dad might be going into the ER today just as we were finishing swapping wheels. I should check on him soon.