Dane Sabo
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127 lines
5.7 KiB
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127 lines
5.7 KiB
Markdown
---
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id: JRNL-20250902-225115
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title: Tuesday, September 02, 2025 - 10:51 PM
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type: journal
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created: 2025-09-03T02:51:15Z
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modified: 2025-09-03T02:51:15Z
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tags: [journal]
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---
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# Tuesday, September 02, 2025 - 10:51 PM
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Today was somewhat of a full day, and an even fuller head of
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thoughts. But, that's what you're for dear journal.
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I started today off feeling anxious as all hell. This might
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seem silly further in the future, but I think a lot of it
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comes down to feelings about a girl. For future me who may
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not remember well, there's this girl Claire, who you talked
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to on the Benedum patio. There was a bouncy house, for
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whatever fucking reason, and you were smiling politely
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watching some *adults* enjoy the random bouncy house. It was
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a good moment. She noticed, and we struck up a conversation.
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She was cool. Claire is a transfer student from Juniata
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college and is now technically a sophomore mechanical
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engineering student, though she'll tell you she's more of a
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junior. Good for her to make that switch--I'm sure that will
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pay off in dividends later. She is interested in
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prosthetics, and you recommended Humotech as a possible spot
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to land an internship next summer. She asked about our
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thesis, and how we like grad school. I'm pretty sure I gave
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an answer somewhere in the middle that I like it a lot but
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it's certainly a challenge. She had to go to class (MEMS
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0024, lol), and I totally fumbled and did not get her
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number. She was clearly interested.
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A couple days later, I saw her again on the patio when
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Andrew and I were going to eat lunch. We waved and exchanged
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smiles, but I didn't talk to her other than that. I regret
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that. I feel like I felt weird if I would've left Andrew
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alone while I did that, which probably does have some merit,
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but I also feel like there's an age gap problem. I'm 24,
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going on 25, and she's 20 (maybe close to 21?). Now that I'm
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writing this, I don't feel like it should be an issue
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really, especially if there's a vibe and they (not
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necessarily Claire) are mature enough. I should've said hi
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and been more deliberate.
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Things took a turn when I found her profile on Tinder.
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Before, I thought she was cute and nice, but her first
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picture on her profile at the time is her in a pink floral
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two piece swimsuit, and holy moly she is hot. I have to
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admit I was taken pretty down hard by lust at that point.
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She, at the time of this writing, has not liked me back.
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With a profile like that though I'm sure she's getting
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plenty of attention and I might be lost in the stack. I'm
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not too pressed about it.
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Knowing that her class was today (Tuesday) though, I thought
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I'd sit out on the patio in case we bumped into each other.
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I did see her, but either she did not see me, or
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purposefully avoided me while she was headed into class. I
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think she was just busy. I'll try again next week perhaps
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unless I see her sooner? Who's to say. Not a priority.
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I had therapy today. That went okay, I guess. We talked
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about this feeling of feeling disconnected that I've had
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recently. I have felt somewhat alone even while around
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others, and a bit less like myself. Kind of like I have less
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control over what I say or do. I would really like to get a
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handle on that. This journal should help. Rachel also
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recommened checking out a self-compassion test and to give
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myself some credit that things are good, and it's okay to be
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feeling weird. It's a big transition from what I was living.
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She also pointed at trauma... is this a trauma response? Am
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I waiting for a shoe to drop?
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One thing we talked about is why am I not able to bring
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myself the happiness I would expect to get from having a
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partner? Am I seeking someone because I genuinely want a
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relationship or because I feel like I need someone else or
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am bored? I think it might be the latter, and that it's not
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a good time for me to get serious right now. I don't want to
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keep my head under the sand either, but it might be a good
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idea to relax some. I need to be happy on my own before I
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can bring that happiness to the table with someone else. But
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we'll get there.
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Lewie is feeling rough with leg pains again. Amber and I
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were supposed to meet up this weekend to hang out at the dog
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park but that has been postponed a couple of weeks. I really
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hope he feels better soon, I feel bad for the puppo. I
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thought I saw a little limp on the webcam last week, but he
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immediately walked it off. Maybe that concrete isn't
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helping. Poor thing.
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Then, I went to Ngoc's grandma's wake. She was 83 when she
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died. It was somber, and honestly really hard to be there.
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Kim was particularly upset. Their family was very kind, but
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it reminded me of the disbelief that I had when my mom died.
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I remember the wake being very strange. I flitted around the
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room talking to different people almost as if to entertain.
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Like nothing was really that wrong to begin with. Then, when
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the pawl bearers brought the casket out, there was a
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realization that overtook me completely. I could see that
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for some of her family, they hadn't hit that realization
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yet.
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I drove back to school after that and hung out in Matt's lab
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for a while. I tried to write some goals and outcomes, but
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didn't make any progress. It was nice to be around friends,
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though. Then, I gave David a ride up to the VA hospital
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where his car was parked.
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I thought I noticed Eliana shooting looks at me. I followed
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her on instagram, I guess we'll see where things go.
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Tomorrow I'll see Devyn and Erik! I'm very excited for that.
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We're getting dinner at Totopo and perhaps drinks at
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Hitchhiker. Devyn is interviewing at Aerotech for a new job.
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Good for him. It'll be nice to see Erik too.
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That's pretty much it. I listened to some Matt Maltese this
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afternoon and that made me feel a bit better. Now that it's
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after midnight, I can't complain and feel more neutral than
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anything. I'm excited to ride my bike in to school tomorrow.
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