Auto sync: 2025-10-04 18:32:38 (5 files changed)
M .sessions/Journal.vim M .sessions/nvim_config.vim A Writing/Journal/JRNL-20251003-174601.md M Writing/Journal/compiled_journal.pdf M Writing/Journal/journal_config.txt
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@ -14,12 +14,14 @@ else
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set shortmess=aoO
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endif
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badd +1 ~/Documents/Dane\'s\ Vault/Journal/2025_07_30.md
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badd +9 ~/Documents/Dane\'s\ Vault/Writing/Journal//JRNL-20250904-135850.md
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badd +10 ~/Documents/Dane\'s\ Vault/Writing/Journal//JRNL-20250904-135850.md
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badd +96 ~/Documents/Dane\'s\ Vault/Writing/Journal//JRNL-20251003-174601.md
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badd +0 journal_config.txt
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argglobal
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%argdel
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edit ~/Documents/Dane\'s\ Vault/Writing/Journal//JRNL-20250904-135850.md
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edit journal_config.txt
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argglobal
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balt ~/Documents/Dane\'s\ Vault/Journal/2025_07_30.md
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balt ~/Documents/Dane\'s\ Vault/Writing/Journal//JRNL-20251003-174601.md
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setlocal foldmethod=manual
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setlocal foldexpr=0
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setlocal foldmarker={{{,}}}
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@ -30,12 +32,12 @@ setlocal foldnestmax=20
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setlocal foldenable
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silent! normal! zE
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if exists('s:wipebuf') && len(win_findbuf(s:wipebuf)) == 0 && getbufvar(s:wipebuf, '&buftype') isnot# 'terminal'
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silent exe 'bwipe ' . s:wipebuf
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@ -17,9 +17,10 @@ badd +44 custom/configs/lspconfig.lua
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badd +1 custom/taskwarrior.lua
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argglobal
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%argdel
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let s:save_splitbelow = &splitbelow
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let s:save_splitright = &splitright
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set splitbelow splitright
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argglobal
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balt custom/configs/lspconfig.lua
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balt ~/.config/nvim/lua/custom/plugins.lua
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setlocal foldmethod=manual
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setlocal foldexpr=v:lua.vim.treesitter.foldexpr()
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setlocal foldmarker={{{,}}}
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if exists('s:wipebuf') && len(win_findbuf(s:wipebuf)) == 0 && getbufvar(s:wipebuf, '&buftype') isnot# 'terminal'
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silent exe 'bwipe ' . s:wipebuf
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Writing/Journal/JRNL-20251003-174601.md
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Writing/Journal/JRNL-20251003-174601.md
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---
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id: JRNL-20251003-174601
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title: Friday, October 03, 2025 - 05:46 PM
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type: journal
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created: 2025-10-03T21:46:01Z
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modified: 2025-10-03T21:46:01Z
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tags: [journal]
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---
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# Friday, October 03, 2025 - 05:46 PM
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Hi Journal, it has been a minute. I've had a lot of updates
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since last time, but I've been a slacker when it comes to
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actually writing them. But today, I really need to write out
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what has been on my mind. I've been weighed down with some
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thoughts these past couple of days that are really affecting
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me.
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I met a girl named Matilda on Hinge. We've been on four
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dates, and I can tell that she really likes me so far. She
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is really, really nice to me and frankly has reset the bar
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for me on what I expect from a partner. Matilda works in
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human resources for UPMC, does not drive, and lives
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Downtown. She does corporate HR, which basically means she
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does HR for other HR departments, and special one-off
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departments that don't have their own HR department.
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Apparently, hospitals have their own dedicated HR units, so
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shes above them, in a way.
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Matilda is just over five feet tall, has blonde
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just-past-shoulder length hair, and gorgeous sky blue eyes.
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She's really quite intelligent from what I've gotten to know
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of her so far, and is incredibly kind. She smiles at babies,
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dogs, holds doors open for people, and is generally so
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friendly. She really inspires me in that way. She treats
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people with zero biases and reliable warmth.
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Her family is from Sewickley. Her dad is some sort of
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designer, who not too long ago had his company bought and
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not long after was laid off. He is between jobs right now
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and not having a lot of luck finding work given his age. Her
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mom happens to work for the company that laid him off. She's
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got a background in government affairs, but is working in a
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finance role. She has a brother named Addison who does
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computer science work for a company called Grant Street
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Group. Addison lives in Brooklyn, and is a couple years
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older than Matilda.
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One thing I really don't know about Matilda right now is
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about her hobbies. The last I really dug into them was on
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Hinge with her. She listed her hobbies as exploring PGH,
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reading, trying new recipes, and traveling. Do we have any
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of those in common..? Not particularly, but we do share some
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passion cooking and reading. She likes to read a lot of
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memoirs, she has said. She also likes to bike.
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There are some things about Matilda that I really like.
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First, she's inspiring with how friendly she is. She, just
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by being herself, makes me think that I'm too cold to the
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world and too defensive. She makes me feel really good
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about myself, is always excited to be around, and doesn't
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judge me. She's been very reciprocal in just about every
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case so far. She refuses to let me pay for some dates,
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bought our coffees on the first date (and refused to let me
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pay!), likes to be the big spoon *and* the little spoon.
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She's a big cuddler and I absolutely love that. There is
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some serious physical chemistry.
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One thing I really like about Matilda is she is curious
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about the world and people. I feel like I can talk to her
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about anything. She is extremely approachable, genuinely
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interested in me, easy to talk to.
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There are also some things about Matilda that really
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intimidate me going forward. For one, I really want somebody
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to tinker with, and I don't think she's ever going to fill
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that need. She does not drive, and while I don't think
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that's a forever problem, it's not exactly conducive to my
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biggest hobby being working on my cars. I really don't want
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to give that up, to be honest, but also I don't want to
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force a hobby like that on someone. That's reason enough I
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think it might not really work out.
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But, here's another problem. I want to be a dad one day. I
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asked Matilda if she ever would want kids, and she opened up
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to me about a couple of concerns she actually has about
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having kids. Matilda has a DNA translocation between
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chromosomes 2 and 8 that places her in a much higher
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likelihood of having a miscarriage, or passing defects on to
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kids. Also, Matilda had a cleft palate when she was born,
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which though corrected, required several surgeries at UPMC
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Children's Hospital. She credits that as one of her big
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drivers to working at UPMC. But, she could also pass that
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cleft palate onto a kid. Between these two genetic issues,
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having kids for her is actually a super challenging issue
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before even considering any external factors like climate
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change or the current political climate. There are
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mitigating factors, like IVF or an egg donor, or even
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CRISPR, but that would be so much for her to go through if
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she didn't 100% want a kid, too. She said she's had previous
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relationships end over this topic, and honestly teared up
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some while talking about it.
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Matilda and I have had four dates so far, which is an
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insanely short time to even begin to say you know someone.
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She makes me feel so good, but these are big issues. Am I
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going to fast trying to figure all these things out? Part of
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me feels like the answer is yes, but also part of me feels
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like if these are dealbreakers I need to kill things now.
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Which is another thing that makes me feel crazy and
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horrible. Last night, I spent the night at Matilda's. We
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didn't have sex, but we stopped just short. We were
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definitely both into it (see physical chemistry), but the
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emotions are weighing on me very heavily. I gave her one of
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my hoodies to wear if she likes, which I think she really
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does. It makes me happy to see her so happy. But part of me
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is wondering if I'm settling and compromising on what I
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might actually need in my lifetime.
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I don't know how to go forward from here. Do I really know
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her enough to know? How do I go forward without really
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hurting her? Is it too late? I don't know. I know she agrees
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that we barely know each other yet. Is it immoral to keep
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seeing her? I do like her, but this is different from the
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plan I had in my head. I also am worried of something more
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insidious, where subconsciously I'm neglecting her future
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pain for my short term enjoyment. That makes me feel beyond
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fucked up. I couldn't end things with Amber previously, and
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I don't want this to be the same problem. I definitely need
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to talk to my therapist Rachel about this next time I see
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her.
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I'll see Sam and Eric tonight at Applebee's to discuss
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planning Sam's bachelor party, and maybe we'll have some
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time to talk about this.
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Writing about this has made me feel a bit better. Also,
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listening to *Year of the Banana* has helped, too.
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Last but not least, I gave Matt his STI wheels back today. I
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overheard his dad might be going into the ER today just as
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we were finishing swapping wheels. I should check on him
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soon.
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# Journal Config
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# Journal Compilation Config
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# Edit this file to customize your journal PDF output
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# Pandoc options (one per line, without leading dashes)
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pdf-engine=xelatex
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V geometry:margin=1.5in
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V fontsize=12pt
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V geometry:margin=1in
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V fontsize=11pt
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toc
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toc-depth=2
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# Title page info
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V title=My Journal
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V author=Dane
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V date=October 2025
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