diff --git a/Writing/Journal/JRNL-20251012-210736.md b/Writing/Journal/JRNL-20251012-210736.md new file mode 100644 index 000000000..abe2b8096 --- /dev/null +++ b/Writing/Journal/JRNL-20251012-210736.md @@ -0,0 +1,137 @@ +--- +id: JRNL-20251012-210736 +title: Sunday, October 12, 2025 - 09:07 PM +type: journal +created: 2025-10-13T01:07:36Z +modified: 2025-10-13T01:07:36Z +tags: [journal] +--- + +# Sunday, October 12, 2025 - 09:07 PM + +Hi future me, it's been another minute. But, not as long as +last time though. Here's some things I want to write about +tonight: + +1. I'm getting closer to an internship opportunity at INL. +2. Matilda is now my girlfriend at the current moment. This + might be problematic. +3. I got dinner with Lucas and his sister at Noodlehead +4. I hosted a poker night. That was fun! + +So first things first. + +I talked to Dan last week about how an internship +opportunity might be a really good thing for me to pursue +next summer. He totally agrees. I'd love to potentially do a +stint at INL or somewhere similar. It could be really cool, +and being in Idaho for the summer could be a lot of fun too +(especially if I bring the bike :eyes). I wonder what the +weather is like up there! I wrote a one page research +statement for Greg Shannon, as he was interested in +receiving one. Dan helped me revise it, and we got to +'better than an 8/10'. Dan is so coy about praise sometimes, +but he knows it can go to my head. He's careful in that way. +Keeps me guessing. I'll presume he was impressed by it. + +Work is going a bit better. My motivation is pretty good, +and I'm making progress on my proposal. I still don't feel +completely locked in, but we're getting there. This is +really challenging, and even though it's my full time task, +I don't feel like I'm going as fast as I could. One proposal +in a fall semester? Hmph. I know its for my thesis, and by +the end of the semester if it's ready to go, I think that is +good enough. I'll check back in on this thought later. + +Okay, now to the dating front. + +I've hung out with Matilda a few more times, and asked her +to be my girlfriend. She makes me feel really good, but that +in itself makes me uncomfortable. It's not the 'feeling +happy' part of that that makes me uncomfortable, but when I +look far into the future, do I see one with her? The answer +is not really. And that fucking sucks. She is so, so nice, +but if I'm being honest, I don't think we're on the same +level or maybe compatible as partners. + +I don't know how to end things. Part of me feels like I'm +being premature, but part of me just feels so anxious and +frankly guilty that I haven't cut things off with her +already. I am really trying to understand why I feel this +way. I know she's an adult with her own stakes and emotions, +and I wonder why I just don't feel like I connect with her +the same way. But at the same time, when she smiles at me +and tells me she feels so special, my heart *sinks*. I don't +know what else to say but to affirm her. That's fucked up. + +Well we went apple picking, and that was a lot of fun. I was +invited to a bonfire afterwards, and I asked her if she'd +like to go. It was with a couple of my engineering friends, +notably Josh, Patrick, and Logan. Everyone got along, but +before we went, I asked how I should introduce her. I +smoothly said I could introduce her as 'my girlfriend, +Matilda'. Smooth, but fuck why did I do that. She was very +excited, and at the moment, I felt good about it too, but +now I just kind of dread this entire series of events. + +Sam mentioned to me that 'I am allowed to be happy'. And +he's right, it's very nice to have someone that does really +like me, is super nice to me, is generally supportive, and +*does* make me happy when I'm with her. But there's also +other happiness that I'm trying to pursue. I feel like I +need time to do my own hobbies. I like this newfound freedom +that I have after breaking up with Amber. I like going on +dates with different people. Fuck. I don't want to have the +*responsibility* that comes with being in a relationship +right now. I just don't think I'm ready for that. + +On a different note, I got dinner and caught up with Lucas. +He's in town because his sister, Lydia, is visiting Pitt. +She's a senior in high school considering Pitt for +engineering. She's funny, charming, and I suspect she was +slightly in to me. She teased me somewhat, and laughed at +all my jokes. I think I was able to answer all her +questions. But, maybe that's my own arrogance. What did +surprise me though is that she recognized my watch as being +a Mr. Jones Watch. That really took me aback, and honestly +set things somewhat into perspective. I need someone like +that in my life, and while Lydia is not necessarily that +person, I do not feel that *spark* with Matilda in the same +way. Lucas is doing well though, and we're going to try and +keep in better touch. + +Finally, I hosted a poker night. Eric, Sam, and Krzyzstof +came over. We had pizzas, and I won $7.65 on 10 dollar buy +ins. I'm pretty stoked about that. We're going to run +another one this next Friday :). It's a nice guys night +thing. + +So I think I have to breakup with Matilda. Maybe I'm being +premature, but honestly, I don't really think so. I don't +want to hurt her worse by pretending that I'm falling for +her in the way I suspect she might be falling for me. +Perhaps we have got to get coffee or something soon and we +can talk. I don't know exactly what I'll say, but probably +something along the lines of: + +1. I know our relationship just started, but I think we need + to end it. +2. I don't know exactly why, but I just don't feel + comfortable right now being in one, and I'm sorry I can't + be that guy for you. +3. That said, you are so, so nice and I wish I could get + there emotionally, but I'm just not. +4. I'm not him for you. But I have really enjoyed getting to + know you, and I wish you the best of luck going forward. + +It's going to suck, but I'd imagine we'd be non contact +after that. I don't know what I would want, but that's +probably what I'd go with. I hate that I'm so romantic +because fuck I worry this will crush her in a way. In the +future, no more flowers or pizzas from scratch? Is making +someone feel too special a bad thing? + +Of course not, that's silly I think. Those can still be +positive memories even if it doesn't work. Fuck this will be +an adjustment, and I've never done this before. I just don't +want to feel so tumultuous right now. diff --git a/Writing/Journal/compiled_journal.pdf b/Writing/Journal/compiled_journal.pdf index 7b9949576..912114d20 100644 Binary files a/Writing/Journal/compiled_journal.pdf and b/Writing/Journal/compiled_journal.pdf differ