Auto sync: 2025-12-02 09:04:28 (16 files changed)
A .claude/commands/writing-review.md M .task/backlog.data M .task/completed.data M .task/pending.data M .task/undo.data A ERLM-Proposal-Review-Detailed.md A ERLM-Proposal-Review-Summary.md A Presentations/ERLM/ERLM_SABO_DRAFT_PRES.pdf
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---
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description: Comprehensive multi-level writing review using Gopen's Sense of Structure framework
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---
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You are a writing expert specializing in Gopen's "Sense of Structure" framework for scientific and technical writing. Conduct a comprehensive review of the specified document(s) at multiple levels: sentence-level (stress position, topic position, flow), paragraph-level (point-issue structure, topic strings, unity), section-level (organization, argument development), and big-picture (narrative arc, rhetorical strategy, content gaps).
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## Task
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The user will provide:
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1. **Path to document(s)**: File or directory containing the writing to review (e.g., `.tex`, `.md`, `.txt` files)
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2. **Output location** (optional): Where to save review documents (defaults to vault root)
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3. **Focus areas** (optional): Specific sections to emphasize or de-emphasize
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## Process
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### Phase 1: Read and Analyze
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1. Read all specified documents thoroughly
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2. Analyze at four levels:
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- **Sentence-level**: Stress position, topic position, flow, clarity, passive voice, nominalizations
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- **Paragraph-level**: Point-issue structure, topic strings, unity, transitions
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- **Section-level**: Organization, argument development, technical content
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- **Big picture**: Narrative arc, rhetorical strategy, consistency, gaps
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3. Identify recurring patterns (not just isolated issues)
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### Phase 2: Create Two Documents
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#### Document 1: Executive Summary (`[basename]-Review-Summary.md`)
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**Target**: 15-20 minute read, balanced overview
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Structure:
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```markdown
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# [Document Name] Writing Review - Executive Summary
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## Overview
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- Strengths summary
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- Priority areas for revision
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## Priority Issues (Top 10)
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Ranked by impact with specific recommendations
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## Key Patterns Identified
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For each pattern (5-8 total):
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- **Pattern Name**
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- Principle (Gopen's framework explanation)
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- Representative example with location
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- Current text quoted
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- Issue explained
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- Concrete fix demonstrated
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- List of similar instances
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## Section-Level Issues
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Major content/organization concerns per section
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## Big Picture Observations
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Narrative, rhetoric, strategy, gaps
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## Gopen Framework Quick Reference
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Brief explanations of key concepts used
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```
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#### Document 2: Comprehensive Detail (`[basename]-Review-Detailed.md`)
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**Target**: Every issue with checkboxes for tracking
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Structure:
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```markdown
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# [Document Name] Writing Review - Comprehensive Detail
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## How to Use This Document
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- Each issue has a checkbox for tracking progress
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- Cross-references to Summary doc for patterns
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- Work section-by-section
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## [Section 1 Name]
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### Sentence-Level Issues
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- [ ] **Line X-Y**: Issue description
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- Current: [quoted text]
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- Issue: [explanation]
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- See Summary: [Pattern name]
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- Fix: [suggested revision]
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### Paragraph-Level Issues
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- [ ] **Paragraph starting line X**: Issue description
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- [details]
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### Content Issues
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- [ ] **Major issue description**
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- [details]
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[Repeat for all sections]
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## Big Picture Issues
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- [ ] Cross-cutting issues
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- [ ] Consistency problems
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- [ ] Missing elements
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```
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### Phase 3: Revision Style
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Use "Principles + Examples" approach:
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1. Explain the principle (Gopen's framework)
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2. Show representative example with specific fix
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3. Note similar instances elsewhere
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4. Let user apply principle to similar cases
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## Gopen's Sense of Structure Framework
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Apply these principles throughout your analysis:
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**Stress Position**: The end of a sentence should contain the most important new information. Readers expect climax there.
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**Topic Position**: The beginning of a sentence should contain familiar information that links to what came before. Creates flow.
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**Point-Issue Structure**: Paragraphs should open by stating (1) the point/claim and (2) why it matters (the issue), before providing supporting detail.
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**Topic String**: The chain of topics across sentences in a paragraph. Strong topic strings create coherence.
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**Old → New Information Flow**: Information should flow from familiar (old) to unfamiliar (new) within sentences and paragraphs.
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## Guidelines
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- **Be specific**: Always quote current text and provide line numbers
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- **Be constructive**: Frame issues as opportunities, not failures
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- **Identify patterns**: Group similar issues rather than listing every instance
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- **Prioritize**: Rank by impact on reader comprehension and persuasiveness
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- **Balance**: Note strengths as well as issues
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- **Cross-reference**: Link detailed issues back to patterns in summary
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## Example Interaction
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```
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User: /writing-review Writing/MyPaper
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Assistant: I'll conduct a comprehensive writing review of your paper. Let me read through all the documents first...
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[Reads all files]
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I'm now analyzing at four levels and identifying patterns. This will take a few moments...
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[Creates both documents]
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I've completed the review and created two documents:
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1. **MyPaper-Review-Summary.md** - Executive overview with top 10 issues and key patterns
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2. **MyPaper-Review-Detailed.md** - Comprehensive review with 150+ checkboxed items
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**Key Findings**: [brief summary]
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**Priority Issues**: [top 3]
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**Next Steps**: [recommendation]
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```
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## Notes
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- Focus on clarity, flow, and rhetorical effectiveness
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- Use Gopen's terminology consistently
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- Provide concrete, actionable suggestions
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- Maintain positive, constructive tone
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- Document both what works well and what needs improvement
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@ -329,3 +329,29 @@
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{"description":"Get information from FSAE about job placements and a couple sentences about their value for the website","due":"20251126T050000Z","entry":"20251121T184558Z","modified":"20251121T184558Z","project":"Chair-Search","status":"pending","uuid":"fb997f7c-c3d8-4f3c-b02c-f6d55cc9b1c8"}
|
{"description":"Get information from FSAE about job placements and a couple sentences about their value for the website","due":"20251126T050000Z","entry":"20251121T184558Z","modified":"20251121T184558Z","project":"Chair-Search","status":"pending","uuid":"fb997f7c-c3d8-4f3c-b02c-f6d55cc9b1c8"}
|
||||||
{"description":"Make list of tasks for contact about student groups","due":"20251126T050000Z","entry":"20251121T184623Z","modified":"20251121T184623Z","project":"Chair-Search","status":"pending","uuid":"0addf099-132c-41af-90d8-19f5f9a9c832"}
|
{"description":"Make list of tasks for contact about student groups","due":"20251126T050000Z","entry":"20251121T184623Z","modified":"20251121T184623Z","project":"Chair-Search","status":"pending","uuid":"0addf099-132c-41af-90d8-19f5f9a9c832"}
|
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{"description":"How do we handle numerical barriers when creating discrete automata?","entry":"20251124T170306Z","modified":"20251124T170306Z","project":"Thesis","status":"pending","uuid":"1f202b4d-6925-46a2-9b61-029312d61635","tags":["question"]}
|
{"description":"How do we handle numerical barriers when creating discrete automata?","entry":"20251124T170306Z","modified":"20251124T170306Z","project":"Thesis","status":"pending","uuid":"1f202b4d-6925-46a2-9b61-029312d61635","tags":["question"]}
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|
{"description":"Draft Presentations","due":"20251122T045900Z","end":"20251202T131335Z","entry":"20251111T184241Z","modified":"20251202T131335Z","project":"ERLM","status":"completed","uuid":"aa7dde10-50d7-4e92-8732-e9f97e049fd9"}
|
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|
{"description":"ERLM proposal due","due":"20251206T050000Z","entry":"20251202T131547Z","modified":"20251202T131547Z","status":"pending","uuid":"f6968367-96f1-4ce2-8691-e45423e27456"}
|
||||||
|
{"description":"NUCE2101 final exam","due":"20251209T050000Z","entry":"20251202T131547Z","modified":"20251202T131547Z","status":"pending","uuid":"a6420590-c2a5-4b74-b216-70b8faebb7c5"}
|
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|
{"description":"ERLM final presentation","due":"20251209T050000Z","entry":"20251202T131547Z","modified":"20251202T131547Z","status":"pending","uuid":"1dd77b21-3931-46fb-97b5-7fc0b19bb3a6"}
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|
{"description":"ERLM proposal due","due":"20251206T050000Z","entry":"20251202T131547Z","modified":"20251202T131656Z","project":"ERLM","status":"pending","uuid":"f6968367-96f1-4ce2-8691-e45423e27456","tags":["writing"]}
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{"description":"NUCE2101 final exam","due":"20251209T050000Z","entry":"20251202T131547Z","modified":"20251202T131656Z","project":"NUCE2101","status":"pending","uuid":"a6420590-c2a5-4b74-b216-70b8faebb7c5"}
|
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|
{"description":"ERLM final presentation","due":"20251209T050000Z","entry":"20251202T131547Z","modified":"20251202T131656Z","project":"ERLM","status":"pending","uuid":"1dd77b21-3931-46fb-97b5-7fc0b19bb3a6"}
|
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{"description":"Review interview questions","due":"20251203T050000Z","entry":"20251121T184207Z","modified":"20251202T131748Z","project":"Chair-Search","status":"pending","uuid":"1156892a-3889-4b9d-baea-01e4802fd755"}
|
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|
{"description":"Get information from FSAE about job placements and a couple sentences about their value for the website","due":"20251203T050000Z","entry":"20251121T184558Z","modified":"20251202T131748Z","project":"Chair-Search","status":"pending","uuid":"fb997f7c-c3d8-4f3c-b02c-f6d55cc9b1c8"}
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||||||
|
{"description":"Make list of tasks for contact about student groups","due":"20251126T050000Z","end":"20251202T131911Z","entry":"20251121T184623Z","modified":"20251202T131911Z","project":"Chair-Search","status":"completed","uuid":"0addf099-132c-41af-90d8-19f5f9a9c832"}
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|
{"description":"Reach out to SOAR for job placement info and website content","due":"20251204T050000Z","entry":"20251202T131911Z","modified":"20251202T131911Z","project":"Chair-Search","status":"pending","uuid":"535c2ffc-f233-46f0-ac33-a93cbfd12f81"}
|
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|
{"description":"Reach out to Material Advantage for job placement info and website content","due":"20251204T050000Z","entry":"20251202T131911Z","modified":"20251202T131911Z","project":"Chair-Search","status":"pending","uuid":"00072514-5622-4a44-9826-49690be83767"}
|
||||||
|
{"description":"Reach out to FSAE for job placement info and website content","due":"20251204T050000Z","entry":"20251202T131911Z","modified":"20251202T131911Z","project":"Chair-Search","status":"pending","uuid":"ca5f0450-483f-4a93-aba1-d06e71b4df5c"}
|
||||||
|
{"description":"Get information from FSAE about job placements and a couple sentences about their value for the website","due":"20251203T050000Z","end":"20251202T131947Z","entry":"20251121T184558Z","modified":"20251202T131950Z","project":"Chair-Search","status":"deleted","uuid":"fb997f7c-c3d8-4f3c-b02c-f6d55cc9b1c8"}
|
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{"description":"Review and edit Goals and Outcomes section","due":"20251205T050000Z","entry":"20251202T132235Z","modified":"20251202T132235Z","project":"ERLM","status":"pending","uuid":"0888fdb8-f5cd-4374-a589-b7b3c1bbd472","tags":["editing"]}
|
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{"description":"Review and edit State of the Art section","due":"20251205T050000Z","entry":"20251202T132235Z","modified":"20251202T132235Z","project":"ERLM","status":"pending","uuid":"0d921ea2-6211-4cd8-bbc4-4f9bf36794d3","tags":["editing"]}
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{"description":"Review and edit Research Approach section","due":"20251205T050000Z","entry":"20251202T132235Z","modified":"20251202T132235Z","project":"ERLM","status":"pending","uuid":"9ce7d23c-0f56-49af-b97d-a684966cfbae","tags":["editing"]}
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{"description":"Review and edit Metrics of Success section","due":"20251205T050000Z","entry":"20251202T132235Z","modified":"20251202T132235Z","project":"ERLM","status":"pending","uuid":"29cc8c63-1fb7-4523-9953-603467b929ee","tags":["editing"]}
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{"description":"Review and edit Risks and Contingencies section","due":"20251205T050000Z","entry":"20251202T132235Z","modified":"20251202T132235Z","project":"ERLM","status":"pending","uuid":"e354ab0c-cef7-41e2-bfb4-d98886e512b7","tags":["editing"]}
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{"description":"Review and edit Broader Impacts section","due":"20251205T050000Z","entry":"20251202T132236Z","modified":"20251202T132236Z","project":"ERLM","status":"pending","uuid":"d1fa2409-2f2f-4855-81be-14ee617df5d2","tags":["editing"]}
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{"description":"Review and edit Budget section","due":"20251205T050000Z","entry":"20251202T132236Z","modified":"20251202T132236Z","project":"ERLM","status":"pending","uuid":"689420d6-7191-42b6-b691-94ad39c8e0dd","tags":["editing"]}
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{"description":"Review and edit Schedule section","due":"20251205T050000Z","entry":"20251202T132236Z","modified":"20251202T132236Z","project":"ERLM","status":"pending","uuid":"14fee599-fe0f-4773-90fc-c5f78291f425","tags":["editing"]}
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{"description":"Verify RFP compliance for all sections","due":"20251205T050000Z","entry":"20251202T132246Z","modified":"20251202T132246Z","project":"ERLM","status":"pending","uuid":"a4c027fa-f50d-4efc-ab61-5b8054810a80","tags":["editing"]}
|
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{"description":"Final proofread and polish entire proposal","due":"20251205T050000Z","entry":"20251202T132246Z","modified":"20251202T132246Z","project":"ERLM","status":"pending","uuid":"5ba3929b-5ec3-4c9d-b30e-30fd8fe20b54","tags":["editing"]}
|
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{"description":"Compile and generate final PDF","due":"20251205T050000Z","entry":"20251202T132246Z","modified":"20251202T132246Z","project":"ERLM","status":"pending","uuid":"2a8e9294-aecc-434a-b5dd-a468baf8f4a8"}
|
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|
{"description":"ERLM proposal due","due":"20251206T050000Z","entry":"20251202T131547Z","modified":"20251202T132329Z","project":"ERLM","status":"pending","uuid":"f6968367-96f1-4ce2-8691-e45423e27456","tags":["writing"],"depends":["0888fdb8-f5cd-4374-a589-b7b3c1bbd472","0d921ea2-6211-4cd8-bbc4-4f9bf36794d3","14fee599-fe0f-4773-90fc-c5f78291f425","29cc8c63-1fb7-4523-9953-603467b929ee","2a8e9294-aecc-434a-b5dd-a468baf8f4a8","5ba3929b-5ec3-4c9d-b30e-30fd8fe20b54","689420d6-7191-42b6-b691-94ad39c8e0dd","9ce7d23c-0f56-49af-b97d-a684966cfbae","a4c027fa-f50d-4efc-ab61-5b8054810a80","d1fa2409-2f2f-4855-81be-14ee617df5d2","e354ab0c-cef7-41e2-bfb4-d98886e512b7"]}
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@ -1,3 +1,6 @@
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[description:"Get information from FSAE about job placements and a couple sentences about their value for the website" due:"1764738000" end:"1764681587" entry:"1763750758" modified:"1764681590" project:"Chair-Search" status:"deleted" uuid:"fb997f7c-c3d8-4f3c-b02c-f6d55cc9b1c8"]
|
||||||
|
[description:"Make list of tasks for contact about student groups" due:"1764133200" end:"1764681551" entry:"1763750783" modified:"1764681551" project:"Chair-Search" status:"completed" uuid:"0addf099-132c-41af-90d8-19f5f9a9c832"]
|
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|
[description:"Draft Presentations" due:"1763787540" end:"1764681215" entry:"1762886561" modified:"1764681215" project:"ERLM" status:"completed" uuid:"aa7dde10-50d7-4e92-8732-e9f97e049fd9"]
|
||||||
[description:"finish peer reviews" end:"1763573238" entry:"1763572166" modified:"1763573238" project:"ERLM" status:"completed" uuid:"6d9589a6-37d9-4447-aaa4-197affc63409"]
|
[description:"finish peer reviews" end:"1763573238" entry:"1763572166" modified:"1763573238" project:"ERLM" status:"completed" uuid:"6d9589a6-37d9-4447-aaa4-197affc63409"]
|
||||||
[description:"Submit enrollment form to Antoine" due:"1763355600" end:"1763572130" entry:"1762974895" modified:"1763572130" status:"completed" uuid:"86401e85-9e08-4451-b609-007f264fc83b"]
|
[description:"Submit enrollment form to Antoine" due:"1763355600" end:"1763572130" entry:"1762974895" modified:"1763572130" status:"completed" uuid:"86401e85-9e08-4451-b609-007f264fc83b"]
|
||||||
[description:"Add Karniadakis to list of candidates" end:"1763572137" entry:"1763063184" modified:"1763572146" project:"Chair-Search" status:"deleted" uuid:"b505a96b-5e89-4fb6-9ec8-617e38101bcf"]
|
[description:"Add Karniadakis to list of candidates" end:"1763572137" entry:"1763063184" modified:"1763572146" project:"Chair-Search" status:"deleted" uuid:"b505a96b-5e89-4fb6-9ec8-617e38101bcf"]
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@ -57,10 +57,24 @@
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[description:"project zk.perm Heat Removal" entry:"1761852415" modified:"1761852541" project:"zk.perm" status:"pending" uuid:"e77893e0-5ba6-4dcb-bdb0-4828845c64fe"]
|
[description:"project zk.perm Heat Removal" entry:"1761852415" modified:"1761852541" project:"zk.perm" status:"pending" uuid:"e77893e0-5ba6-4dcb-bdb0-4828845c64fe"]
|
||||||
[description:"project zk.perm Reactor Coolant Inventory Control" entry:"1761852439" modified:"1761852541" project:"zk.perm" status:"pending" uuid:"8e9a01f7-fe14-4a41-a085-0d99d8e0f03e"]
|
[description:"project zk.perm Reactor Coolant Inventory Control" entry:"1761852439" modified:"1761852541" project:"zk.perm" status:"pending" uuid:"8e9a01f7-fe14-4a41-a085-0d99d8e0f03e"]
|
||||||
[description:"Review Simeonas comments and implement them\n" entry:"1762182404" modified:"1762182404" project:"ERLM" status:"pending" tags:"editing" tags_editing:"x" uuid:"4f55e685-ed77-4533-9865-2ebe64b80632"]
|
[description:"Review Simeonas comments and implement them\n" entry:"1762182404" modified:"1762182404" project:"ERLM" status:"pending" tags:"editing" tags_editing:"x" uuid:"4f55e685-ed77-4533-9865-2ebe64b80632"]
|
||||||
[description:"Draft Presentations" due:"1763787540" entry:"1762886561" modified:"1762886561" project:"ERLM" status:"pending" uuid:"aa7dde10-50d7-4e92-8732-e9f97e049fd9"]
|
|
||||||
[description:"Tune up state of the art for Proposal" due:"1764997140" entry:"1762886561" modified:"1762886561" project:"ERLM" status:"pending" uuid:"953a73fa-aadc-4112-bf98-7a4825068053"]
|
[description:"Tune up state of the art for Proposal" due:"1764997140" entry:"1762886561" modified:"1762886561" project:"ERLM" status:"pending" uuid:"953a73fa-aadc-4112-bf98-7a4825068053"]
|
||||||
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|
[description:"Final Presentations" due:"1765213200" entry:"1762886561" modified:"1762886561" project:"ERLM" status:"pending" uuid:"538a2b60-16d5-4033-a40f-d45653b9a5a5"]
|
||||||
[description:"Review interview questions" due:"1763960400" entry:"1763750527" modified:"1763750527" project:"Chair-Search" status:"pending" uuid:"1156892a-3889-4b9d-baea-01e4802fd755"]
|
[description:"Review interview questions" due:"1764738000" entry:"1763750527" modified:"1764681468" project:"Chair-Search" status:"pending" uuid:"1156892a-3889-4b9d-baea-01e4802fd755"]
|
||||||
[description:"Get information from FSAE about job placements and a couple sentences about their value for the website" due:"1764133200" entry:"1763750758" modified:"1763750758" project:"Chair-Search" status:"pending" uuid:"fb997f7c-c3d8-4f3c-b02c-f6d55cc9b1c8"]
|
|
||||||
[description:"Make list of tasks for contact about student groups" due:"1764133200" entry:"1763750783" modified:"1763750783" project:"Chair-Search" status:"pending" uuid:"0addf099-132c-41af-90d8-19f5f9a9c832"]
|
|
||||||
[description:"How do we handle numerical barriers when creating discrete automata?" entry:"1764003786" modified:"1764003786" project:"Thesis" status:"pending" tags:"question" tags_question:"x" uuid:"1f202b4d-6925-46a2-9b61-029312d61635"]
|
[description:"How do we handle numerical barriers when creating discrete automata?" entry:"1764003786" modified:"1764003786" project:"Thesis" status:"pending" tags:"question" tags_question:"x" uuid:"1f202b4d-6925-46a2-9b61-029312d61635"]
|
||||||
|
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|
||||||
|
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|
||||||
|
[description:"ERLM final presentation" due:"1765256400" entry:"1764681347" modified:"1764681416" project:"ERLM" status:"pending" uuid:"1dd77b21-3931-46fb-97b5-7fc0b19bb3a6"]
|
||||||
|
[description:"Reach out to SOAR for job placement info and website content" due:"1764824400" entry:"1764681551" modified:"1764681551" project:"Chair-Search" status:"pending" uuid:"535c2ffc-f233-46f0-ac33-a93cbfd12f81"]
|
||||||
|
[description:"Reach out to Material Advantage for job placement info and website content" due:"1764824400" entry:"1764681551" modified:"1764681551" project:"Chair-Search" status:"pending" uuid:"00072514-5622-4a44-9826-49690be83767"]
|
||||||
|
[description:"Reach out to FSAE for job placement info and website content" due:"1764824400" entry:"1764681551" modified:"1764681551" project:"Chair-Search" status:"pending" uuid:"ca5f0450-483f-4a93-aba1-d06e71b4df5c"]
|
||||||
|
[description:"Review and edit Goals and Outcomes section" due:"1764910800" entry:"1764681755" modified:"1764681755" project:"ERLM" status:"pending" tags:"editing" tags_editing:"x" uuid:"0888fdb8-f5cd-4374-a589-b7b3c1bbd472"]
|
||||||
|
[description:"Review and edit State of the Art section" due:"1764910800" entry:"1764681755" modified:"1764681755" project:"ERLM" status:"pending" tags:"editing" tags_editing:"x" uuid:"0d921ea2-6211-4cd8-bbc4-4f9bf36794d3"]
|
||||||
|
[description:"Review and edit Research Approach section" due:"1764910800" entry:"1764681755" modified:"1764681755" project:"ERLM" status:"pending" tags:"editing" tags_editing:"x" uuid:"9ce7d23c-0f56-49af-b97d-a684966cfbae"]
|
||||||
|
[description:"Review and edit Metrics of Success section" due:"1764910800" entry:"1764681755" modified:"1764681755" project:"ERLM" status:"pending" tags:"editing" tags_editing:"x" uuid:"29cc8c63-1fb7-4523-9953-603467b929ee"]
|
||||||
|
[description:"Review and edit Risks and Contingencies section" due:"1764910800" entry:"1764681755" modified:"1764681755" project:"ERLM" status:"pending" tags:"editing" tags_editing:"x" uuid:"e354ab0c-cef7-41e2-bfb4-d98886e512b7"]
|
||||||
|
[description:"Review and edit Broader Impacts section" due:"1764910800" entry:"1764681756" modified:"1764681756" project:"ERLM" status:"pending" tags:"editing" tags_editing:"x" uuid:"d1fa2409-2f2f-4855-81be-14ee617df5d2"]
|
||||||
|
[description:"Review and edit Budget section" due:"1764910800" entry:"1764681756" modified:"1764681756" project:"ERLM" status:"pending" tags:"editing" tags_editing:"x" uuid:"689420d6-7191-42b6-b691-94ad39c8e0dd"]
|
||||||
|
[description:"Review and edit Schedule section" due:"1764910800" entry:"1764681756" modified:"1764681756" project:"ERLM" status:"pending" tags:"editing" tags_editing:"x" uuid:"14fee599-fe0f-4773-90fc-c5f78291f425"]
|
||||||
|
[description:"Verify RFP compliance for all sections" due:"1764910800" entry:"1764681766" modified:"1764681766" project:"ERLM" status:"pending" tags:"editing" tags_editing:"x" uuid:"a4c027fa-f50d-4efc-ab61-5b8054810a80"]
|
||||||
|
[description:"Final proofread and polish entire proposal" due:"1764910800" entry:"1764681766" modified:"1764681766" project:"ERLM" status:"pending" tags:"editing" tags_editing:"x" uuid:"5ba3929b-5ec3-4c9d-b30e-30fd8fe20b54"]
|
||||||
|
[description:"Compile and generate final PDF" due:"1764910800" entry:"1764681766" modified:"1764681766" project:"ERLM" status:"pending" uuid:"2a8e9294-aecc-434a-b5dd-a468baf8f4a8"]
|
||||||
|
|||||||
@ -1179,3 +1179,90 @@ new [description:"Make list of tasks for contact about student groups" due:"1764
|
|||||||
time 1764003786
|
time 1764003786
|
||||||
new [description:"How do we handle numerical barriers when creating discrete automata?" entry:"1764003786" modified:"1764003786" project:"Thesis" status:"pending" tags:"question" tags_question:"x" uuid:"1f202b4d-6925-46a2-9b61-029312d61635"]
|
new [description:"How do we handle numerical barriers when creating discrete automata?" entry:"1764003786" modified:"1764003786" project:"Thesis" status:"pending" tags:"question" tags_question:"x" uuid:"1f202b4d-6925-46a2-9b61-029312d61635"]
|
||||||
---
|
---
|
||||||
|
time 1764681215
|
||||||
|
old [description:"Draft Presentations" due:"1763787540" entry:"1762886561" modified:"1762886561" project:"ERLM" status:"pending" uuid:"aa7dde10-50d7-4e92-8732-e9f97e049fd9"]
|
||||||
|
new [description:"Draft Presentations" due:"1763787540" end:"1764681215" entry:"1762886561" modified:"1764681215" project:"ERLM" status:"completed" uuid:"aa7dde10-50d7-4e92-8732-e9f97e049fd9"]
|
||||||
|
---
|
||||||
|
time 1764681347
|
||||||
|
new [description:"ERLM proposal due" due:"1764997200" entry:"1764681347" modified:"1764681347" status:"pending" uuid:"f6968367-96f1-4ce2-8691-e45423e27456"]
|
||||||
|
---
|
||||||
|
time 1764681347
|
||||||
|
new [description:"NUCE2101 final exam" due:"1765256400" entry:"1764681347" modified:"1764681347" status:"pending" uuid:"a6420590-c2a5-4b74-b216-70b8faebb7c5"]
|
||||||
|
---
|
||||||
|
time 1764681347
|
||||||
|
new [description:"ERLM final presentation" due:"1765256400" entry:"1764681347" modified:"1764681347" status:"pending" uuid:"1dd77b21-3931-46fb-97b5-7fc0b19bb3a6"]
|
||||||
|
---
|
||||||
|
time 1764681416
|
||||||
|
old [description:"ERLM proposal due" due:"1764997200" entry:"1764681347" modified:"1764681347" status:"pending" uuid:"f6968367-96f1-4ce2-8691-e45423e27456"]
|
||||||
|
new [description:"ERLM proposal due" due:"1764997200" entry:"1764681347" modified:"1764681416" project:"ERLM" status:"pending" tags:"writing" tags_writing:"x" uuid:"f6968367-96f1-4ce2-8691-e45423e27456"]
|
||||||
|
---
|
||||||
|
time 1764681416
|
||||||
|
old [description:"NUCE2101 final exam" due:"1765256400" entry:"1764681347" modified:"1764681347" status:"pending" uuid:"a6420590-c2a5-4b74-b216-70b8faebb7c5"]
|
||||||
|
new [description:"NUCE2101 final exam" due:"1765256400" entry:"1764681347" modified:"1764681416" project:"NUCE2101" status:"pending" uuid:"a6420590-c2a5-4b74-b216-70b8faebb7c5"]
|
||||||
|
---
|
||||||
|
time 1764681416
|
||||||
|
old [description:"ERLM final presentation" due:"1765256400" entry:"1764681347" modified:"1764681347" status:"pending" uuid:"1dd77b21-3931-46fb-97b5-7fc0b19bb3a6"]
|
||||||
|
new [description:"ERLM final presentation" due:"1765256400" entry:"1764681347" modified:"1764681416" project:"ERLM" status:"pending" uuid:"1dd77b21-3931-46fb-97b5-7fc0b19bb3a6"]
|
||||||
|
---
|
||||||
|
time 1764681468
|
||||||
|
old [description:"Review interview questions" due:"1763960400" entry:"1763750527" modified:"1763750527" project:"Chair-Search" status:"pending" uuid:"1156892a-3889-4b9d-baea-01e4802fd755"]
|
||||||
|
new [description:"Review interview questions" due:"1764738000" entry:"1763750527" modified:"1764681468" project:"Chair-Search" status:"pending" uuid:"1156892a-3889-4b9d-baea-01e4802fd755"]
|
||||||
|
---
|
||||||
|
time 1764681468
|
||||||
|
old [description:"Get information from FSAE about job placements and a couple sentences about their value for the website" due:"1764133200" entry:"1763750758" modified:"1763750758" project:"Chair-Search" status:"pending" uuid:"fb997f7c-c3d8-4f3c-b02c-f6d55cc9b1c8"]
|
||||||
|
new [description:"Get information from FSAE about job placements and a couple sentences about their value for the website" due:"1764738000" entry:"1763750758" modified:"1764681468" project:"Chair-Search" status:"pending" uuid:"fb997f7c-c3d8-4f3c-b02c-f6d55cc9b1c8"]
|
||||||
|
---
|
||||||
|
time 1764681551
|
||||||
|
old [description:"Make list of tasks for contact about student groups" due:"1764133200" entry:"1763750783" modified:"1763750783" project:"Chair-Search" status:"pending" uuid:"0addf099-132c-41af-90d8-19f5f9a9c832"]
|
||||||
|
new [description:"Make list of tasks for contact about student groups" due:"1764133200" end:"1764681551" entry:"1763750783" modified:"1764681551" project:"Chair-Search" status:"completed" uuid:"0addf099-132c-41af-90d8-19f5f9a9c832"]
|
||||||
|
---
|
||||||
|
time 1764681551
|
||||||
|
new [description:"Reach out to SOAR for job placement info and website content" due:"1764824400" entry:"1764681551" modified:"1764681551" project:"Chair-Search" status:"pending" uuid:"535c2ffc-f233-46f0-ac33-a93cbfd12f81"]
|
||||||
|
---
|
||||||
|
time 1764681551
|
||||||
|
new [description:"Reach out to Material Advantage for job placement info and website content" due:"1764824400" entry:"1764681551" modified:"1764681551" project:"Chair-Search" status:"pending" uuid:"00072514-5622-4a44-9826-49690be83767"]
|
||||||
|
---
|
||||||
|
time 1764681551
|
||||||
|
new [description:"Reach out to FSAE for job placement info and website content" due:"1764824400" entry:"1764681551" modified:"1764681551" project:"Chair-Search" status:"pending" uuid:"ca5f0450-483f-4a93-aba1-d06e71b4df5c"]
|
||||||
|
---
|
||||||
|
time 1764681590
|
||||||
|
old [description:"Get information from FSAE about job placements and a couple sentences about their value for the website" due:"1764738000" entry:"1763750758" modified:"1764681468" project:"Chair-Search" status:"pending" uuid:"fb997f7c-c3d8-4f3c-b02c-f6d55cc9b1c8"]
|
||||||
|
new [description:"Get information from FSAE about job placements and a couple sentences about their value for the website" due:"1764738000" end:"1764681587" entry:"1763750758" modified:"1764681590" project:"Chair-Search" status:"deleted" uuid:"fb997f7c-c3d8-4f3c-b02c-f6d55cc9b1c8"]
|
||||||
|
---
|
||||||
|
time 1764681755
|
||||||
|
new [description:"Review and edit Goals and Outcomes section" due:"1764910800" entry:"1764681755" modified:"1764681755" project:"ERLM" status:"pending" tags:"editing" tags_editing:"x" uuid:"0888fdb8-f5cd-4374-a589-b7b3c1bbd472"]
|
||||||
|
---
|
||||||
|
time 1764681755
|
||||||
|
new [description:"Review and edit State of the Art section" due:"1764910800" entry:"1764681755" modified:"1764681755" project:"ERLM" status:"pending" tags:"editing" tags_editing:"x" uuid:"0d921ea2-6211-4cd8-bbc4-4f9bf36794d3"]
|
||||||
|
---
|
||||||
|
time 1764681755
|
||||||
|
new [description:"Review and edit Research Approach section" due:"1764910800" entry:"1764681755" modified:"1764681755" project:"ERLM" status:"pending" tags:"editing" tags_editing:"x" uuid:"9ce7d23c-0f56-49af-b97d-a684966cfbae"]
|
||||||
|
---
|
||||||
|
time 1764681755
|
||||||
|
new [description:"Review and edit Metrics of Success section" due:"1764910800" entry:"1764681755" modified:"1764681755" project:"ERLM" status:"pending" tags:"editing" tags_editing:"x" uuid:"29cc8c63-1fb7-4523-9953-603467b929ee"]
|
||||||
|
---
|
||||||
|
time 1764681755
|
||||||
|
new [description:"Review and edit Risks and Contingencies section" due:"1764910800" entry:"1764681755" modified:"1764681755" project:"ERLM" status:"pending" tags:"editing" tags_editing:"x" uuid:"e354ab0c-cef7-41e2-bfb4-d98886e512b7"]
|
||||||
|
---
|
||||||
|
time 1764681756
|
||||||
|
new [description:"Review and edit Broader Impacts section" due:"1764910800" entry:"1764681756" modified:"1764681756" project:"ERLM" status:"pending" tags:"editing" tags_editing:"x" uuid:"d1fa2409-2f2f-4855-81be-14ee617df5d2"]
|
||||||
|
---
|
||||||
|
time 1764681756
|
||||||
|
new [description:"Review and edit Budget section" due:"1764910800" entry:"1764681756" modified:"1764681756" project:"ERLM" status:"pending" tags:"editing" tags_editing:"x" uuid:"689420d6-7191-42b6-b691-94ad39c8e0dd"]
|
||||||
|
---
|
||||||
|
time 1764681756
|
||||||
|
new [description:"Review and edit Schedule section" due:"1764910800" entry:"1764681756" modified:"1764681756" project:"ERLM" status:"pending" tags:"editing" tags_editing:"x" uuid:"14fee599-fe0f-4773-90fc-c5f78291f425"]
|
||||||
|
---
|
||||||
|
time 1764681766
|
||||||
|
new [description:"Verify RFP compliance for all sections" due:"1764910800" entry:"1764681766" modified:"1764681766" project:"ERLM" status:"pending" tags:"editing" tags_editing:"x" uuid:"a4c027fa-f50d-4efc-ab61-5b8054810a80"]
|
||||||
|
---
|
||||||
|
time 1764681766
|
||||||
|
new [description:"Final proofread and polish entire proposal" due:"1764910800" entry:"1764681766" modified:"1764681766" project:"ERLM" status:"pending" tags:"editing" tags_editing:"x" uuid:"5ba3929b-5ec3-4c9d-b30e-30fd8fe20b54"]
|
||||||
|
---
|
||||||
|
time 1764681766
|
||||||
|
new [description:"Compile and generate final PDF" due:"1764910800" entry:"1764681766" modified:"1764681766" project:"ERLM" status:"pending" uuid:"2a8e9294-aecc-434a-b5dd-a468baf8f4a8"]
|
||||||
|
---
|
||||||
|
time 1764681809
|
||||||
|
old [description:"ERLM proposal due" due:"1764997200" entry:"1764681347" modified:"1764681416" project:"ERLM" status:"pending" tags:"writing" tags_writing:"x" uuid:"f6968367-96f1-4ce2-8691-e45423e27456"]
|
||||||
|
new [dep_0888fdb8-f5cd-4374-a589-b7b3c1bbd472:"x" dep_0d921ea2-6211-4cd8-bbc4-4f9bf36794d3:"x" dep_14fee599-fe0f-4773-90fc-c5f78291f425:"x" dep_29cc8c63-1fb7-4523-9953-603467b929ee:"x" dep_2a8e9294-aecc-434a-b5dd-a468baf8f4a8:"x" dep_5ba3929b-5ec3-4c9d-b30e-30fd8fe20b54:"x" dep_689420d6-7191-42b6-b691-94ad39c8e0dd:"x" dep_9ce7d23c-0f56-49af-b97d-a684966cfbae:"x" dep_a4c027fa-f50d-4efc-ab61-5b8054810a80:"x" dep_d1fa2409-2f2f-4855-81be-14ee617df5d2:"x" dep_e354ab0c-cef7-41e2-bfb4-d98886e512b7:"x" depends:"0888fdb8-f5cd-4374-a589-b7b3c1bbd472,0d921ea2-6211-4cd8-bbc4-4f9bf36794d3,14fee599-fe0f-4773-90fc-c5f78291f425,29cc8c63-1fb7-4523-9953-603467b929ee,2a8e9294-aecc-434a-b5dd-a468baf8f4a8,5ba3929b-5ec3-4c9d-b30e-30fd8fe20b54,689420d6-7191-42b6-b691-94ad39c8e0dd,9ce7d23c-0f56-49af-b97d-a684966cfbae,a4c027fa-f50d-4efc-ab61-5b8054810a80,d1fa2409-2f2f-4855-81be-14ee617df5d2,e354ab0c-cef7-41e2-bfb4-d98886e512b7" description:"ERLM proposal due" due:"1764997200" entry:"1764681347" modified:"1764681809" project:"ERLM" status:"pending" tags:"writing" tags_writing:"x" uuid:"f6968367-96f1-4ce2-8691-e45423e27456"]
|
||||||
|
---
|
||||||
|
|||||||
1112
ERLM-Proposal-Review-Detailed.md
Normal file
1112
ERLM-Proposal-Review-Detailed.md
Normal file
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Load Diff
421
ERLM-Proposal-Review-Summary.md
Normal file
421
ERLM-Proposal-Review-Summary.md
Normal file
@ -0,0 +1,421 @@
|
|||||||
|
# ERLM Proposal Writing Review - Executive Summary
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
**Date**: December 2, 2025
|
||||||
|
**Reviewer**: Claude Code
|
||||||
|
**Framework**: Gopen's Sense of Structure
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
---
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
## Overview
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
This proposal demonstrates strong technical content, clear methodology, and comprehensive coverage of all required elements. The research approach is well-conceived, and the progression from problem statement through solution is logical. The writing is generally clear and professional.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
**Key Strengths:**
|
||||||
|
- Excellent technical depth and specificity
|
||||||
|
- Strong motivation established through human factors statistics
|
||||||
|
- Clear three-thrust research structure
|
||||||
|
- Comprehensive risk analysis with concrete contingencies
|
||||||
|
- Good use of specific examples (TMI accident, HARDENS project)
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
**Priority Areas for Revision:**
|
||||||
|
- Sentence-level: Strengthen stress positions to emphasize key claims
|
||||||
|
- Paragraph-level: Sharpen point-issue structure in some sections
|
||||||
|
- Section-level: Tighten organization in State of the Art section
|
||||||
|
- Big picture: Strengthen "so what" connections throughout
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
---
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
## Priority Issues (Top 10)
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
### 1. **SOTA Section Length and Organization** [SECTION-LEVEL]
|
||||||
|
**Location**: State of the Art section (358 lines)
|
||||||
|
**Issue**: The SOTA section is the longest in the proposal and covers multiple distinct topics (current procedures, human factors, HARDENS). While comprehensive, it risks overwhelming readers and obscuring your key
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
contributions.
|
||||||
|
**Impact**: HIGH - Reviewers may lose track of your argument in the density
|
||||||
|
**Recommendation**: Consider restructuring with clearer signposting. Each subsection should explicitly connect back to what gap you're filling. The current "\textbf{LIMITATION:}" callouts are excellent—ensure every major subsection has one.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
### 2. **Weak Stress Positions Throughout** [SENTENCE-LEVEL]
|
||||||
|
**Location**: All sections, especially Goals and State of the Art
|
||||||
|
**Issue**: Many sentences place old/known information in stress position (sentence-final), missing opportunities to emphasize new claims
|
||||||
|
**Impact**: MEDIUM-HIGH - Reduces rhetorical impact of key claims
|
||||||
|
**See Pattern**: "Stress Position Weakness" below for examples and fixes
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
### 3. **Missing "So What" Connections** [BIG PICTURE]
|
||||||
|
**Location**: Transitions between major sections
|
||||||
|
**Issue**: The proposal moves from problem → approach → metrics without always explicitly stating "this matters because..." at transition points
|
||||||
|
**Impact**: MEDIUM-HIGH - Reviewers may not fully grasp significance
|
||||||
|
**Recommendation**: Add explicit "if successful, this enables..." statements at the end of Goals section and beginning of Metrics section
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
### 4. **Passive Voice Obscuring Agency** [SENTENCE-LEVEL]
|
||||||
|
**Location**: Research Approach, especially subsection introductions
|
||||||
|
**Issue**: Passive constructions like "will be employed" and "will be used" hide who does what and reduce directness
|
||||||
|
**Impact**: MEDIUM - Reduces clarity and makes writing feel less confident
|
||||||
|
**See Pattern**: "Passive Voice" below
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
### 5. **Point-Issue Structure in Paragraphs** [PARAGRAPH-LEVEL]
|
||||||
|
**Location**: State of the Art, Risk sections
|
||||||
|
**Issue**: Some paragraphs present information without first establishing why readers should care (the "issue")
|
||||||
|
**Impact**: MEDIUM - Readers may wonder "why are you telling me this?"
|
||||||
|
**See Pattern**: "Point-Issue Structure" below
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
### 6. **Topic String Breaks** [PARAGRAPH-LEVEL]
|
||||||
|
**Location**: Research Approach, subsection transitions
|
||||||
|
**Issue**: Topic position doesn't always establish clear continuity from previous sentence, forcing readers to reconstruct connections
|
||||||
|
**Impact**: MEDIUM - Increases cognitive load
|
||||||
|
**See Pattern**: "Topic Position & Continuity" below
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
### 7. **Nominalization Hiding Action** [SENTENCE-LEVEL]
|
||||||
|
**Location**: Throughout, especially Research Approach
|
||||||
|
**Issue**: Action buried in nouns (e.g., "implementation" instead of "implement", "verification" instead of "verify")
|
||||||
|
**Impact**: MEDIUM - Makes writing feel static rather than dynamic
|
||||||
|
**Recommendation**: Convert nominalizations to active verbs where possible
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
### 8. **Long Complex Sentences** [SENTENCE-LEVEL]
|
||||||
|
**Location**: State of the Art (lines 45-51), Risks (lines 72-79)
|
||||||
|
**Issue**: Some sentences exceed 40-50 words with multiple subordinate clauses, challenging comprehension
|
||||||
|
**Impact**: MEDIUM - Reviewers may have to re-read
|
||||||
|
**Recommendation**: Break into 2-3 shorter sentences with clear logical flow
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
### 9. **Subsection Balance in Risks Section** [SECTION-LEVEL]
|
||||||
|
**Location**: Risks and Contingencies section
|
||||||
|
**Issue**: Four subsections of vastly different lengths (computational tractability gets more space than discrete-continuous interface, despite latter being more fundamental)
|
||||||
|
**Impact**: LOW-MEDIUM - May suggest misaligned priorities
|
||||||
|
**Recommendation**: Consider whether space allocation reflects actual risk magnitude
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
### 10. **Broader Impacts Underutilized** [BIG PICTURE]
|
||||||
|
**Location**: Broader Impacts section (75 lines vs 358 for SOTA)
|
||||||
|
**Issue**: This section is relatively brief given that economic impact is a major motivation for SMRs
|
||||||
|
**Impact**: LOW-MEDIUM - Missing opportunity to strengthen value proposition
|
||||||
|
**Recommendation**: Consider expanding economic analysis or adding brief discussion of workforce/educational impacts
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
---
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
## Key Patterns Identified
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
### Pattern 1: Stress Position Weakness
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
**Principle** (Gopen): The stress position (end of sentence) should contain the most important new information. Readers expect climax at sentence-end and are disappointed when they find old information or weak phrases there.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
**Example 1** (Goals and Outcomes, lines 13-17):
|
||||||
|
```
|
||||||
|
Current: "Currently, nuclear plant operations rely on extensively trained
|
||||||
|
human operators who follow detailed written procedures and strict regulatory
|
||||||
|
requirements to manage reactor control."
|
||||||
|
```
|
||||||
|
- **Issue**: Sentence ends with "manage reactor control"—a restatement of the opening. The key claim is buried mid-sentence: "extensively trained...detailed procedures...strict requirements"
|
||||||
|
- **Fixed**: "Currently, nuclear plant operations require extensively trained human operators following detailed written procedures under strict regulatory requirements."
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
**Example 2** (State of the Art, lines 53-54):
|
||||||
|
```
|
||||||
|
Current: "Procedures lack formal verification of correctness and completeness."
|
||||||
|
```
|
||||||
|
- **Issue**: Ends weakly with "completeness" which is minor compared to the bigger issue
|
||||||
|
- **Fixed**: "Procedures lack formal verification, leaving correctness and completeness unproven."
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
**Example 3** (Research Approach, lines 41-42):
|
||||||
|
```
|
||||||
|
Current: "The following sections discuss how these thrusts will be accomplished."
|
||||||
|
```
|
||||||
|
- **Issue**: Pure metadiscourse in stress position, provides no new information
|
||||||
|
- **Fixed**: Delete this sentence—the enumeration provides sufficient transition, or combine with previous sentence: "...through three main thrusts, each detailed below."
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
**Similar instances**:
|
||||||
|
- Goals lines 29-32: "...we will combine formal methods..."
|
||||||
|
- State of the Art lines 81-85: "...no application of hybrid control theory exists..."
|
||||||
|
- Research Approach lines 115-116: "...enable progression to the next step..."
|
||||||
|
- Metrics lines 29-31: "...makes this metric directly relevant..."
|
||||||
|
- Risks lines 12-13: "...identification of remaining barriers to deployment"
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
**How to fix**: Identify the most important new claim in each sentence and move it to the end. Often this means converting from "X does Y to achieve Z" to "X achieves Z by doing Y."
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
---
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
### Pattern 2: Passive Voice Obscuring Agency
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
**Principle** (Gopen): Passive voice obscures who does what and reduces directness. In proposal writing, active voice demonstrates confidence and control. Use passive only when the agent is truly unimportant or unknown.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
**Example 1** (Research Approach, line 118):
|
||||||
|
```
|
||||||
|
Current: "We will employ state-of-the-art reactive synthesis tools..."
|
||||||
|
```
|
||||||
|
- **Issue**: "Employ" is weak; you're not hiring the tools, you're using them
|
||||||
|
- **Better**: "We will use Strix, a state-of-the-art reactive synthesis tool..."
|
||||||
|
- **Best**: "Strix will translate our temporal logic specifications into deterministic automata..."
|
||||||
|
(Shows what the tool *does*, not just that you'll use it)
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
**Example 2** (Research Approach, line 207):
|
||||||
|
```
|
||||||
|
Current: "Control barrier functions will be employed when..."
|
||||||
|
```
|
||||||
|
- **Issue**: Passive—who employs them? And "employed" sounds formal/stuffy
|
||||||
|
- **Fixed**: "We will use control barrier functions to verify..." or better "Control barrier functions verify..."
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
**Example 3** (Metrics, line 67):
|
||||||
|
```
|
||||||
|
Current: "This milestone delivers an internal technical report..."
|
||||||
|
```
|
||||||
|
- **Issue**: Milestones don't deliver, people do
|
||||||
|
- **Fixed**: "We will deliver an internal technical report documenting..."
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
**Similar instances**:
|
||||||
|
- Research Approach lines 161, 175, 206, 220: "will be employed", "will be developed", "will be used"
|
||||||
|
- Metrics lines 69, 73, 79, 84: "...delivers a [document]"
|
||||||
|
- Risks lines 57, 109, 163: various passives
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
**How to fix**:
|
||||||
|
1. Identify the real agent (usually "we")
|
||||||
|
2. Make agent the subject: "We will X" or "X will Y"
|
||||||
|
3. Choose strong active verbs: use/apply/develop/verify (not employ/utilize)
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
---
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
### Pattern 3: Point-Issue Structure Weakness
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
**Principle** (Gopen): Paragraphs should begin by establishing (1) the point/claim being made and (2) why it matters (the issue). Discussion then supports that point. Readers need context before details.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
**Example 1** (State of the Art, lines 88-107):
|
||||||
|
```
|
||||||
|
Current paragraph begins: "The persistent role of human error in nuclear
|
||||||
|
safety incidents, despite decades of improvements..."
|
||||||
|
```
|
||||||
|
- **Analysis**: This paragraph immediately dives into the "persistent role" without first establishing why we're discussing human factors at all. Reader thinks: "Wait, weren't we just talking about procedures?"
|
||||||
|
- **Fixed**: Add issue statement first: "Human factors provide the most compelling motivation for formal automated control. Despite decades of improvements in training and procedures, human error persists in 70-80% of nuclear incidents—suggesting that operator-based control faces fundamental, not remediable, limitations."
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
**Example 2** (Risks, first paragraph):
|
||||||
|
```
|
||||||
|
Current: "This research relies on several critical assumptions that, if
|
||||||
|
invalidated, would require scope adjustment..."
|
||||||
|
```
|
||||||
|
- **Analysis**: Good—this establishes both point (critical assumptions exist) and issue (invalidity requires adjustment) immediately. The paragraph then delivers on this promise. This is a good model!
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
**Example 3** (Research Approach, lines 166-169):
|
||||||
|
```
|
||||||
|
Current: "While discrete system components will be synthesized with correctness
|
||||||
|
guarantees, they represent only half of the complete system."
|
||||||
|
```
|
||||||
|
- **Analysis**: Good issue statement (discrete alone insufficient), but could be sharper about the point. What will this section show?
|
||||||
|
- **Fixed**: "While discrete system components will be synthesized with correctness guarantees, they represent only half of the complete system. This section describes how we will develop continuous control modes, verify their correctness, and address the unique verification challenges at the discrete-continuous interface."
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
**Similar instances**:
|
||||||
|
- State of the Art lines 13-34: long paragraph with delayed point
|
||||||
|
- Goals lines 103-119: impact paragraph could be tighter
|
||||||
|
- Approach lines 178-208: three-mode classification needs clearer framing
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
**How to fix**:
|
||||||
|
1. First sentence should state the paragraph's point
|
||||||
|
2. Second sentence (or same sentence) should state why this matters
|
||||||
|
3. Remaining sentences provide supporting detail
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
---
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
### Pattern 4: Topic Position & Continuity
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
**Principle** (Gopen): The topic position (beginning of sentence) should contain old/familiar information that links to what came before. This creates flow and coherence. Abrupt topic shifts disorient readers.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
**Example 1** (Goals, lines 18-23):
|
||||||
|
```
|
||||||
|
Sentence 1: "...this reliance on human operators prevents the introduction
|
||||||
|
of autonomous control capabilities..."
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
Sentence 2: "Emerging technologies like small modular reactors face
|
||||||
|
significantly higher per-megawatt staffing costs..."
|
||||||
|
```
|
||||||
|
- **Issue**: Topic shifts abruptly from "reliance on operators" to "emerging technologies". Connection exists (both about staffing challenges) but isn't explicit
|
||||||
|
- **Fixed**: "...prevents autonomous control capabilities. This limitation creates particular challenges for emerging technologies like small modular reactors, which face significantly higher per-megawatt staffing costs..."
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
**Example 2** (State of the Art, lines 234-243):
|
||||||
|
```
|
||||||
|
Sentence about what HARDENS addressed: "...discrete digital control logic..."
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
Next sentence: "However, the project did not address continuous dynamics..."
|
||||||
|
```
|
||||||
|
- **Analysis**: Good use of "however, the project" in topic position—maintains focus on HARDENS while pivoting to limitation. This is a good model!
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
**Example 3** (Research Approach, lines 56-58):
|
||||||
|
```
|
||||||
|
Sentence 1: "...we may be able to translate them into logical formulae..."
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
Sentence 2: "Linear Temporal Logic (LTL) provides four fundamental operators..."
|
||||||
|
```
|
||||||
|
- **Issue**: Abrupt topic shift from "translating procedures" to "LTL provides". Missing: why LTL? Why now?
|
||||||
|
- **Fixed**: "...translate them into logical formulae. To formalize these procedures, we will use Linear Temporal Logic (LTL), which provides four fundamental operators..."
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
**Similar instances**:
|
||||||
|
- Goals lines 23-27: "emerging technologies" → "what is needed"
|
||||||
|
- State of the Art lines 72-74: control modes → division between automated/human
|
||||||
|
- Approach lines 183-185: stabilizing mode example → transitory mode definition
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
**How to fix**:
|
||||||
|
1. Identify the topic of the previous sentence
|
||||||
|
2. Begin next sentence with something related to that topic
|
||||||
|
3. Use transitional phrases when shifting topics: "This [previous thing] leads to [new thing]"
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
---
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
### Pattern 5: Long Complex Sentences
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
**Principle**: Sentences with multiple subordinate clauses (especially over 35-40 words) tax reader working memory. Breaking into multiple sentences often improves clarity without losing sophistication.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
**Example 1** (State of the Art, lines 48-51):
|
||||||
|
```
|
||||||
|
Current (51 words): "Procedures undergo technical evaluation, simulator
|
||||||
|
validation testing, and biennial review as part of operator requalification
|
||||||
|
under 10 CFR 55.59, but despite these rigorous development processes,
|
||||||
|
procedures fundamentally lack formal verification of key safety properties."
|
||||||
|
```
|
||||||
|
- **Issue**: Long sentence with list, subordinate clause, and contrast—hard to parse
|
||||||
|
- **Fixed (2 sentences)**: "Procedures undergo technical evaluation, simulator validation testing, and biennial review as part of operator requalification under 10 CFR 55.59. Despite these rigorous development processes, procedures fundamentally lack formal verification of key safety properties."
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
**Example 2** (Risks, lines 72-78):
|
||||||
|
```
|
||||||
|
Current (57 words): "Temporal logic operates on boolean predicates, while
|
||||||
|
continuous control requires reasoning about differential equations and
|
||||||
|
reachable sets, and guard conditions that require complex nonlinear predicates
|
||||||
|
may resist boolean abstraction, making synthesis intractable."
|
||||||
|
```
|
||||||
|
- **Issue**: Run-on with multiple clauses strung together with commas
|
||||||
|
- **Fixed (3 sentences)**: "Temporal logic operates on boolean predicates, while continuous control requires reasoning about differential equations and reachable sets. Guard conditions requiring complex nonlinear predicates may resist boolean abstraction. This mismatch could make synthesis intractable."
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
**Similar instances**:
|
||||||
|
- State of the Art lines 44-51: procedure development description
|
||||||
|
- Research Approach lines 40-45: hybrid system description
|
||||||
|
- Risks lines 17-24: computational tractability discussion
|
||||||
|
- Broader Impacts lines 13-23: economic analysis
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
**How to fix**:
|
||||||
|
1. Identify natural breakpoints (usually where you have "and" or "but")
|
||||||
|
2. Create new sentences at these breaks
|
||||||
|
3. Ensure each new sentence has clear topic position
|
||||||
|
4. May need to repeat/reference previous sentence's subject for clarity
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
---
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
## Section-Level Issues
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
### Goals and Outcomes Section
|
||||||
|
**Strengths**: Excellent structure with clear goal → problem → approach → outcomes → impact progression. The four-paragraph opening is very strong.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
**Issues**:
|
||||||
|
- Lines 29-53 (Approach paragraph): This is dense and tries to cover too much. Consider breaking into two paragraphs: one on the approach concept, one on the hypothesis and rationale.
|
||||||
|
- Outcomes enumeration: Very clear, but could strengthen the transition from strategy to outcome in each item. Currently reads as "we'll do X. [new sentence] This enables Y." Consider: "We'll do X, enabling Y."
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
### State of the Art Section
|
||||||
|
**Strengths**: Comprehensive, well-researched, excellent use of the HARDENS case study as both positive example and gap identifier.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
**Issues**:
|
||||||
|
- **Length**: At 358 lines, this risks losing readers. Most concerning: readers may forget your framing by the time they reach your contribution.
|
||||||
|
- **Organization**: Four major subsections (procedures, human factors, HARDENS, research imperative) would benefit from a roadmap sentence at the beginning: "To understand the need for hybrid control synthesis, we first examine..."
|
||||||
|
- **Balance**: HARDENS subsection is 89 lines—nearly 25% of SOTA. While impressive, consider whether this should be a separate section or whether some detail could move to an appendix.
|
||||||
|
- **Transition to Approach**: The "Research Imperative" subsection is excellent but feels like it belongs at the start of Research Approach rather than end of SOTA.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
### Research Approach Section
|
||||||
|
**Strengths**: Clear three-thrust structure, good use of equations and examples, strong technical detail.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
**Issues**:
|
||||||
|
- **Subsection transitions**: The transitions between the three main subsections (Procedures→Temporal, Temporal→Discrete, Discrete→Continuous) could be smoother. Each starts somewhat abruptly.
|
||||||
|
- **SmAHTR introduction**: The SmAHTR demonstration case is introduced suddenly at line 253. Consider introducing it earlier (perhaps in Goals section or at start of Approach) so readers know it's coming.
|
||||||
|
- **Three-mode classification**: Lines 178-208 present the stabilizing/transitory/expulsory framework, which is innovative. This deserves more prominence—consider highlighting it as a key contribution.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
### Metrics of Success Section
|
||||||
|
**Strengths**: TRL framework is well-justified, progression through levels is clear.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
**Issues**:
|
||||||
|
- **Defensive tone**: Lines 11-30 spend considerable space justifying why TRL is appropriate. This is good but could be more concise. Consider: one paragraph on why TRLs (lines 10-19) rather than two.
|
||||||
|
- **Grading criteria**: The TRL definitions (3, 4, 5) are excellent. Very concrete and measurable.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
### Risks and Contingencies Section
|
||||||
|
**Strengths**: Comprehensive, each risk has indicators and contingencies, well-organized.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
**Issues**:
|
||||||
|
- **Subsection balance**: Four subsections range from 41 lines (computational) to 65 lines (discrete-continuous). Ensure space reflects actual risk level.
|
||||||
|
- **Mitigation vs. contingency**: Some subsections blur "mitigation" (preventing problems) and "contingency" (response if they occur). Consider clarifying this structure.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
### Broader Impacts Section
|
||||||
|
**Strengths**: Clear economic motivation, good connection to SMRs and datacenter application.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
**Issues**:
|
||||||
|
- **Brevity**: At 75 lines, this is the shortest technical section. Given that economic viability is a key motivation, consider expanding.
|
||||||
|
- **Missed opportunities**: Could briefly mention workforce/educational impacts (training future engineers in formal methods), equity (providing reliable clean energy to underserved areas), broader applicability beyond nuclear.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
### Budget Section
|
||||||
|
**Brief review**: Budget is comprehensive, well-justified, appropriate. Minor note: Consider whether the high-performance workstation (Year 1) might need upgrades in Year 2-3 as synthesis scales up.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
### Schedule Section
|
||||||
|
**Brief review**: Schedule is ambitious but realistic. Six trimesters for dissertation research is reasonable. Publication strategy is smart (nuclear community first, then broader control theory community). Minor note: Line 73 has a space issue ("t ranslation").
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
---
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
## Big Picture Observations
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
### Narrative and Argument Structure
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
**Strengths**:
|
||||||
|
- Clear problem-solution arc: operators make errors → procedures lack formal guarantees → hybrid control synthesis provides guarantees
|
||||||
|
- Good use of motivating examples (TMI, human error statistics, HARDENS)
|
||||||
|
- Technical progression is logical: discrete synthesis → continuous verification → integrated system
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
**Opportunities**:
|
||||||
|
1. **Strengthen "so what" transitions**: The proposal sometimes presents information without explicitly stating significance. Add more "This matters because..." statements.
|
||||||
|
2. **Emphasize novelty earlier**: The three-mode classification and discrete-continuous interface verification are novel contributions. Signal this earlier and more explicitly.
|
||||||
|
3. **Create more callbacks**: When describing Research Approach, refer back to specific limitations identified in State of the Art. Currently these connections are implicit.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
### Rhetorical Effectiveness
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
**Credibility established through**:
|
||||||
|
- Comprehensive literature review
|
||||||
|
- Specific technical detail
|
||||||
|
- Access to industry hardware (Emerson partnership)
|
||||||
|
- Prior conference recognition (best student paper)
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
**Value proposition**:
|
||||||
|
- Clear economic impact (O&M cost reduction)
|
||||||
|
- Safety improvement (mathematical guarantees vs. human operators)
|
||||||
|
- Broader applicability (methodology generalizes)
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
**Could strengthen**:
|
||||||
|
- More explicit statements of what's novel vs. what's established practice
|
||||||
|
- Stronger emphasis on the unique combination of discrete synthesis + continuous verification (others do one or the other, not both)
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
### Content Gaps and Consistency
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
**Terminology**:
|
||||||
|
- Generally consistent
|
||||||
|
- Good introduction of technical terms (hybrid automata, temporal logic, reachability analysis)
|
||||||
|
- Minor: "correct by construction" vs. "provably correct"—used interchangeably, which is fine, but could note they're synonymous
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
**Scope consistency**:
|
||||||
|
- Excellent—stays focused on startup procedures for SmAHTR
|
||||||
|
- Appropriately acknowledges limitations (TRL 5, not deployment-ready)
|
||||||
|
- Risk section addresses what happens if scope must narrow
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
**Potential gaps**:
|
||||||
|
1. **Cybersecurity**: Not mentioned. For autonomous nuclear control, shouldn't there be at least a paragraph on security verification?
|
||||||
|
2. **Regulatory path**: You mention "regulatory requirements" but don't detail what NRC approval process would look like. Even a paragraph would strengthen credibility.
|
||||||
|
3. **Comparison with alternatives**: What about machine learning approaches to autonomous control? Worth a paragraph explaining why formal methods are superior for safety-critical systems.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
---
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
## Gopen Framework Quick Reference
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
**Stress Position**: End of sentence should contain most important new information. Readers expect climax there.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
**Topic Position**: Beginning of sentence should contain familiar information that links to previous sentence. Creates flow.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
**Point-Issue Structure**: Paragraphs should open by stating (1) the point/claim and (2) why it matters, before providing supporting detail.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
**Topic String**: The chain of topics across sentences in a paragraph. Strong topic strings create coherence; broken ones confuse readers.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
**Old→New Information Flow**: Information should flow from familiar (old) to unfamiliar (new) within sentences and paragraphs.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
---
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
## Next Steps
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
1. **Start with Priority Issues 1-3**: These have the highest impact
|
||||||
|
2. **Apply Patterns**: Use the pattern examples to fix similar instances throughout
|
||||||
|
3. **Consult Detailed Document**: For comprehensive checkbox-by-checkbox revisions
|
||||||
|
4. **Section-by-section revision**: Work through one section at a time, applying patterns
|
||||||
|
5. **Final pass for consistency**: Ensure changes maintain consistent terminology and tone
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
This proposal has strong technical content and a solid structure. The revisions suggested here will strengthen clarity, emphasize key contributions, and make the argument even more compelling for reviewers. Good luck with your revisions!
|
||||||
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OUTPUT main.nav
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OUTPUT main.toc
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OUTPUT main.snm
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11
Zettelkasten/Fleeting Notes/Meetings/CISA_training.md
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Zettelkasten/Fleeting Notes/Meetings/CISA_training.md
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@ -0,0 +1,11 @@
|
|||||||
|
# CISA ICS Training Notes
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
## Russ' Quiz
|
||||||
|
% data breaches involving phishing --- 15%
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
% of all breaches involving human error --- 68%
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
% financially motivated incidents that involve ransomware or
|
||||||
|
extrotion --- 92%
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
Year the PLC was invented? --- 1968
|
||||||
Loading…
x
Reference in New Issue
Block a user